I CANNOT SLEEP FOR ALL THE SHIT ON TELLY!

Can a person die of jet lag? Maybe what kills you is jet lag related boredom. I rather cockily thought I had thwarted it on my first day back, but here I am, watching the sign language repeat of Country File at 2.30am. I can't even fall back on Channel Five sports (they used to show lots of American sports that helped me sleep) any more because they show late night quiz phone-ins now instead and these make me furious.
Country File isn't even helping. They seem to have replaced lovely, old, calming John Craven, with the chirpy young Geordie from Blue Peter. I do not need chirpy at this time of night.
As I type John has come to my rescue! It seems he has a section called "John Craven's Investigation"! But wait, put my pyjamas away, it's about bluetongue and features "images that some viewers may find disturbing". Dammit Craven! Are you taking the piss?! I needed you to investigate a decline in woolly jumper manufacturing or something similarly sleepy, not sheep with rotten mouths! And I bet you are fully aware of the irony in giving me sheep to count, but making them all zombie looking and nightmarish! Damn you John!
Chirpy Geordie is back now, he's talking to a naked hippy. For fuck's sake.

A Fistful of Puppies.

I've had a busy couple of days.
On Wednesday I was walking around Manhattan and I saw a guy standing on a busy street corner with a cat sitting on his head. This is all I can remember of Wednesday.

Yesterday I went to Uptown to see all the bright lights and stuff. We walked past a small crowd of people who were having their picture taken with a guy. He was behind a rope but had no minders or people organising things for him. It took us ages to work out who it was, such was the lack of fanfare surrounding this man. As we were walking away Rhyannon's brain clicked and we realised we had witnessed the further decline of MC Hammer. Poor Hammer, please don't hurt him.

After lunch we schlepped up towards the Metropolitan Museum of Art. On the way we went into a PUPPY SHOP! I'm used to English pet shops only having boring hamsters and rabbits, not excitable puppies! They were so funny! The best one was the bulldog who looked like he didn't give a shit about anything.

Being a tourist is really tiring, so we headed towards a bakery where Rhyannon's friend Sarah works for a coffee and a rest. They had incredible looking cakes on display and we got to try some back at Sarah's house after she made us dinner.

Today I'm going to walk along the Brooklyn Bridge and later buy some jeans. Tonight No Fun Fest starts! I'm really excited!

A Fistful of Beef.

"Hey buddy! Howya doin'?" This is New York speak for "Hello old chap, how have you been?", which is posh English for "Hi you fuck!".

Yesterday was pretty successful all told. Slept in until about 1pm because I'd been awake for about forty hours by Monday night. After that I made my way to Manhattan where I got lost for an hour.
Every time I see a sky scraper I point at it and shout "WOW THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING!". I figure eventually I'll get it right, so I don't mind looking stupid fifty or sixty times prior to that.

My bank card works now, so I've been going nuts in record shops. I've managed to get some pretty cool stuff so far.

For dinner we went to a burger place called Silver Spurs. They didn't make a big deal about the fact that their burgers are ten ounces, so I was totally ill prepared for the gastronomical challenge that was set before me! The meat itself was about two inches thick and three across (insert cock joke of choice here). I had also ordered chips and a chocolate milkshake. I was pretty full.

Tomorrow I am going to see all the famous buildings and that stuff, then on Friday No Fun Fest starts!

OK see you.

A Fistful of Maltesers.

I have been in New York for just over twenty four hours.
The flight here was OK. The guy next to me seemed to be a nervous flyer, so I kept getting into the emergency brace position and screaming whenever he started to relax. I also copied everything he did whenever the stewardess came round. It made the seven hours fly by for both of us.
The in flight entertainment was pretty good. The only film I watched all the way trough was Anvil!: The Story of Anvil. I liked it a lot.
Within five minutes of my first trip out of my friend's house in Brooklyn I saw:
- A real life New York road rage argument. They were shouting stuff like "YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" and "MUDDAFUCKER!".
- A guy getting put into a police car
- A crowd watching a fire engine put out a fire.
It was just like on TV.

Next, we went to a couple of really good record shops in Williamsburg. Williamsburg is hipster central, like the most hipster parts of London multiplied by a hundred. There's a cool looking shop or bar about every ten yards, and all kinds of art all over the place. Also EVERYONE looks like they're in band. I managed to find the number one noise record I was hoping to find on this trip, in the third shop we went in. Nice one hipsters!

One of the things I had been looking forward to the most was New York food. My first experience of this did not disappoint! We went to a place where you buy slow cooked pork and barbecued meat by the half pound! It was sooooooo delicious and even the baked beans had small chunks of meat in. MMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmm!

I'm just about to go out on my own for the afternoon. I'm going for a longer look around Williamsburg because my cash card should be working today (forgot to tell the bank I was going so they blocked it) and I can buy a ton of stuff. I will try and update this again in the next day or so. BYE!

New Yoik

I'm going to New York on Monday morning! I'm really excited!

I think this trip will be the apex of my Seinfeld obsession. I'm going to spend the whole week singing the theme from Seinfeld wherever I go. The New Yorkers will probably find it endearing if anything. If they get tired of it then I'll just start singing another song to do with New York.

If I go in a New York taxi, I'll make small talk with the driver by saying "How 'bout them Knicks?" and he'll fucking LOVE it. I'm pretty good at making small talk with taxi drivers, I once made one laugh in Newcastle. In fact, I'm confident I'll slot right in to the hustle and bustle of New York. Either that or get mugged or conned.

I've been trying to remember all the most British sounding phrases and swear words I know, in order to impress the New York women folk by sounding classy. I think I'll go for a tougher version of Hugh Grant, charming, but less ponce and more bastard. I'll take them to an English themed pub, and tell them that a fry up and ten pints of Carling is an upper class delicacy in my country. That ought to do the trick.

List of Chat Up Lines.

Here is a list of chat up lines for all the fellas to try out on the lllllaaaadies.

• "What time shall we arrange to ORGASM?!" Make sure you lean in and shout the word ORGASM. This line works because it suggests confidence on the man's part in his ability to produce the goods. It would probably work best on a busy, city type at an Eighties coke party.


• "How about I shag you into next week?" If for some reason this line actually works (like she is horny and thick), don't worry if you have problems with premature ejaculation that might undermine your lewd claim. Simply make sure you express your feelings physically starting at as close to midnight on a Sunday as possible. That way you will start on the old week, and end on the new one, technically fulfilling your promise.


• "I haven't felt this hot since I had a fever from eating spoiled meat!"


• "Would you like to come back to my place for some spoiled meat, ie. my cock?"


• "How about we skip the courtship and move straight on to the perfunctory marital sex? I am solvent and have a company car."

This technically qualifies me as a tabloid "sexspert".