tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-190038072024-02-03T14:33:22.756+00:00eyepatch, youpatchlexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.comBlogger75125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-86229966823747296372013-07-27T12:50:00.002+01:002013-07-27T13:23:15.865+01:00A Cut Out & Keep Guide to Making your Own BBC 6Music Radio Station.Hello! Have you ever thought about making your own digital radio station? Well now you can with this charming and useful guide to broadcasting in the 21st century.<br />
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<b>1. Hiring the DJ talent.</b><br />
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Can't think of anybody to host your radio programmes? No worries mate! All you need to do is think of some average (shit) bands from the nineties (Kenickie, Catatonia, Fun Lovin' Criminals, Montrose Avenue), contact the lead singers, and BINGO! you have yourself a knowledgeable and experienced line-up of readymade DJs! Simples! (Nb. I definitely do not include Jarvis Cocker and Pulp in this because I really think he/they are great. Also I really like Mark Radcliffe).<br />
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<b>2. Creating your own 6Music style trail/advert.</b><br />
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6Music trails are important because they let people know what sort of stuff the station plays, even though they only get played on 6Music and therefore to hear to them you must ALREADY BE LISTENING TO 6MUSIC.<br />
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Nevertheless, without them your audience (which already exists and has a pretty good idea of why they are listening anyway), will likely start to wander across the air waves as they forget entirely what and why it is that they tuned into your station in the first place. Who knows, they might even switch off all together! This is because you think they are total morons that would happily listen to Jack Johnson unless you point out that Savages or whoever exist. To this end, it appears to be crucial that you the station, constantly remind them of your merits.<br />
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Start by getting the DJ (you/your mum) that you want to remind people about, to say a list of three things that they might play on their radio show. These can be anything as long as you remember to make them as diverse as possible, eg. 'I'll play "everything" from Public Enemy to Incredible String Band, right through to Joy Division.' Always try to start the list of three with Public Enemy, this will make you seem not racist, into politics, and excitingly anti-establishment because most Public Enemy songs are exciting and anti-establishment.<br />
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While all of this is going on, try to emphasise that you are taking the listener on a 'musical journey'. It doesn't matter that nobody will really understand what this means, or that despite your claims, you will mostly play Carter USM and The Wonder Stuff (give it up Steve Lamacq. It doesn't matter how much you play it, there will NEVER be a Grebo revival).<br />
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Upon hearing this the listener will think, or even audibly exclaim, 'WOW! I'D ALMOST FORGOTTEN ABOUT THOSE THREE VERY DIFFERENT THINGS (but not really as I listen to BBC 6Music all the time and also have my own mind that can summon up this type of information whenever I want, also I have an iPOD) AND I COULD NEVER HAVE POSSIBLY IMAGINED HOW THEY MIGHT SOUND WHEN PLAYED QUITE CLOSE TO EACH OTHER! (again, not really)'.<br />
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When the trail is finished, the DJ (you/your mum) whose show it interrupted must play a song that they feel not only lives up to this brash promise of seemingly unfathomable eclecticism, but also tops it. The most common songs for this purpose seem to be Superstition by Stevie Wonder or a new Hot Chip single. <br />
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<b>3. Playlist trouble shooting.</b><br />
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Sometimes, via the diktat of the powers that be (your mum), you will have to compromise your passionate championing of true musical eclecticism in order to play new music by bands or artists that you don't much enjoy. This is not as big a problem as it might appear. In fact, play your cards right and you can turn this to your advantage, it all depends on your response. Here's what you do: If you have to play a boring singer-songwriter, instead of saying 'what a load of whiny, introspective shit that was!', try saying (in a hushed and reverent tone) 'Wow, that was just beautiful'. This will make your listeners think that it is an amazing glimpse into a troubled soul and not boring at all. This will work because you are a DJ, and DJs know loads more about what great music is than the thickos that listen to the radio, <i>especially</i> BBC 6Music DJs, the word music is even makes up nearly the whole name of the station for fuck's sake! A similar tactic will work should you have to play Mumford & Sons or Coldplay (which 6Music actually does). Here all you have to do is play the song but instead of saying anything afterwards, act like it didn't happen. By not saying anything, you are simultaneously nailing your colours to the mast, while ensuring that the mast itself is hidden from view or at the least quite far away. Follow this mysterious noncommittal stance with a song by a punk band or an old rapper. People will hear the two together and start to re-evaluate their opinion of Mumford & Sons based on the musical company they keep. Congratulations! You have successfully validated a load of old shit for mums! <br />
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<b>4. Festivals.</b><br />
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In the world of BBC 6music festivals are the cherry on the whole smug cake. What could be better and more culturally important than loads of bands that fit your musical requirements all playing pop concerts over the same three days? NOTHING IS WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN THIS! Not the passing of a law that lets gay people marry, the Edward Snowden case, the shooting of Trayvon Martin, <strike>or the birth of the heir to the throne</strike>. Ignore all of those things, they are merely news detritus. The real news is all about what kind of jacket might Mick Jagger wear at Glastonbury, or how big Alt-J's yurt is. Bang on and on and on about the festivals during the build up, the festivals themselves, and then forever after. If you talk about the festivals in the terms of life changing events enough then you will assign them the cultural clout that they so clearly deserve! Every festival will come to be regarded with the same significance as the Isle of White Festival or Woodstock.<br />
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Person 1: 'Hey have you ever met anyone who was at Woodstock, arguably the apex of the sixties counter culture movement and a watershed moment for both music and young people?'<br />
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Person 2: 'Don't need to mate. I was at Latitude 2009. Saw Newton Faulkner and The xx.'<br />
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Person 1: 'Fair play.'<br />
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<b>5. Facing down 'the man'.</b><br />
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If you have done everything listed above then you should by now have a working copy of BBC 6Music, good for you! Don't get too smug just yet though (getting too smug comes later). What's this? It's Mark Thompson, director general of the BBC circa 2010, and he's decided that all your hard work is to be flushed down the digital toilet because 'only one in five UK residents were aware the station existed, and that it lacked presenters with credibility as music experts'. What a fuddy duddy square! Grown ups just don't get it, man! What should you do?! Here's what. Remember that loyal and mentally pliable listenership you built up? Well you've done a lot for them, like telling them about festivals and telling reminding them about punk music, anyway now it's time for them to do something for you. Luckily there are few things more powerful than the righteous indignation of white, middle class music nerds with access to social media. After all they are the license payers, and so help them god they will let all and sundry know about it if they are pissed off about something, even if the existence of that thing is unknown to four fifths of the population. Thank god! Your listeners have reached into Mark Thompson's toilet and fished you out! Phew! Now all you need to do is move everything to Manchester and talk about the Stone Roses for the rest of time. lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-89087450120595505032011-02-23T01:34:00.000+00:002011-02-23T01:35:36.129+00:00Self Portrait.<a href="http://www.makeagif.com/GDNTfg" title="Make Animated Gifs Online"><img src="http://www.makeagif.com/media/2-22-2011/GDNTfg.gif" alt="Gif Created on Make A Gif" /></a>lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-91765445685281006092011-01-22T23:07:00.001+00:002011-01-22T23:12:42.240+00:00Bad Medicine.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzqTeXDo0_jT7X2x7iOBF87PQAeWV6sAMfPClhaluX2W-UxhudHoiJXomEcJstjW6qXdusx3Hf1SeQ4oufN9k2DfpGK6RG43Q5FacdAQ3lwUV5M2TzXynbxgmpwnh0RWwfrBmWwA/s1600/056.JPG"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzqTeXDo0_jT7X2x7iOBF87PQAeWV6sAMfPClhaluX2W-UxhudHoiJXomEcJstjW6qXdusx3Hf1SeQ4oufN9k2DfpGK6RG43Q5FacdAQ3lwUV5M2TzXynbxgmpwnh0RWwfrBmWwA/s320/056.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5565151319073177058" border="0" /></a>lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-83432620299322431602010-09-08T00:41:00.004+01:002010-09-08T00:43:13.853+01:00MACK-iavelli.Bored? Why not try this cut out and keep guide to stealing girlfriends?<br /><br />1. Identify a girlfriend you would like to steal.<br /><br />2. Wait for her boyfriend to go and top up his phone. While he is away, tell the girlfriend about your massive contract and that you are WAP enabled. Wink.<br /><br />3. If you see the couple shopping, and he picks up something that's Tesco blue-stripe, immediately pick up the Tesco's Finest equivalent. This will rattle the boyfriend's confidence and, simultaneously, make you look so affluent that she'll probably think that you shit iPads and own a car!<br /><br />4. Oh hello! What's this in his gym bag? It's the butterfly knife you put there! Frown and shake your head in disappointment on discovery of the knife. Now she'll think her boyfriend is a stabby twat.<br /><br />5. While you're planting stuff in the boyfriend's bag, how about putting a couple of Dan Brown books in there? That shit is for morons.<br /><br />6. Ask her how many spunks her boyfriend can do in one day, then tell her you can do double whatever his tally is.<br /><br />7. Give her a piece of expensive looking jewelery. If she asks where you got it, tell her you stole it from a museum. Crime doesn't necessarily pay, but it can make you look fucking sexy.<br /><br />8. Congratulations! You've successfully made her boyfriend look like a feckless spendthrift, a knife carrying maniac, barely able to muster anything approaching a respectable amount of ejaculate from his drooping testes. You on the other hand, are now a cum-heavy, croissant chomping fuck-machine, who can talk on the phone for up to 500 minutes without incurring any extra charges. How can she possibly resist? You magnificent bastard.lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-38560998489308536492010-05-27T21:17:00.001+01:002010-05-27T21:20:05.151+01:00Fig Newton.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7PpheSvPOGnx3QzyS2nqBKo_Rww0WsSSAH570MaKBM7qiKPG-_H8nbjTfcqp4_kVWG12LX0e5gbxvoEy_ax_yUvgGZg_yRCGUgxmRa7fph9LNoSWuSsHriAVDlwZvtG-AiXurbQ/s1600/friends+057.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7PpheSvPOGnx3QzyS2nqBKo_Rww0WsSSAH570MaKBM7qiKPG-_H8nbjTfcqp4_kVWG12LX0e5gbxvoEy_ax_yUvgGZg_yRCGUgxmRa7fph9LNoSWuSsHriAVDlwZvtG-AiXurbQ/s320/friends+057.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5476046836936351554" border="0" /></a>lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-37549545756202135192010-03-16T12:20:00.006+00:002010-03-16T17:38:16.415+00:00Masterchef.<strong>John "The Toad" Torode: </strong>Lex, what you are cooking for us today?<br /><br /><strong>Me: </strong>Hi John. Today I will be cooking a large onion poached in vodka and served with a brown sauce reduction. I will follow this with a Freddo the frog chocolate bar. Magic!<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Gregg "The Egg" Wallace: </strong>That's a lot of big flavours Lex. Do you think you think you can pull it off?<br /><br /><strong>Me: </strong>For sure, my kids love this shit!<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>John Torode: </strong>(away to camera) It sounds bloody yummo, but he has to be really careful not to open that Freddo too early. I think we could have a potential champion on our hands.<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>(Later)</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Gregg Wallace: </strong>Lex, can you tell us what it is you love about cooking?<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Me: </strong>Well like I mentioned earlier, I've got three kids under the age of five, two of whom are morbidly obese/jolly. I would love to be able to take them out of nursery and have them run an upmarket bistro with me instead.<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>(Gregg starts to cry)</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Me: </strong>Oh Greggy, don't cry!<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Eggy Greggy: </strong>I'm sorry, I don't normally, it's just that this large onion has blown my fucking mind.<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>(John Torode looks at Gregg with a disappointed sneer wriggling up his face)</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Me: </strong>Maybe you should look in the mirror before you judge Gregg, John.<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>(Torode looks in one of the polished work surfaces. As he gazes down, he realises that his face is covered in Freddo chocolate. He too begins to cry. We all embrace each other. John looks at his watch and then he looks around the Masterchef kitchen, everyone is gone.)</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Toady Torodey: </strong>Hey, where has everyone gone?<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Me: </strong>Oh silly John! We've been here for over nine hours!<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>(At this point they give me the trophy and we all go home.)</strong><br /><br /><br /><strong></strong>lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-61528367469826454842010-01-19T19:59:00.012+00:002010-03-04T14:26:53.051+00:00The In Sound From Way Out!2009 was OK, but in terms of music it'll only be remembered as the year directly before 2010! These are the bands to watch over the next twelve months.<br /><br /><strong>Jihad Afterparty:</strong> Electro-Spaz fuckholes from who knows where, making the best anal buff you've never heard. Only play in <em>italics.</em><br /><p><strong>Quicken The Pace Soldier!:</strong> Absolutely THEE most post-rock thing ever. Seven bearded guys in plaid shirts, masturbating into a viola with increasing intensity until the whole thing erupts into a mournful, spunky crescendo. Orchestral Bukkake In The Dark, if you like.</p><p><strong>Visceral Spasm: </strong>Hardcore, but without all the moping and not having sex. Still well fucking serious though. Best thing to come out of Kent since Dover. </p><p><strong>Pi$$ Gibbon: </strong>Chlamydia-core. Expect to see them turn up on Eastenders E20 not giving a FUCK! Way too edgy for Skins, or even Hollyoaks Later.</p><p><strong>Honeysuckle Cupcake: </strong>Twee-er than Stuart Murdoch and Calvin Johnson writing a fanzine about cardigans. But wait! There's a twist! They are MASSIVELY RACIST! Not even in a semi-funny ironic way either, just racist. Probably best to give this one a miss.</p>lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-85765987051179564312010-01-04T19:31:00.005+00:002010-01-04T20:11:36.014+00:00Youthmovies Break Up WORLD EXCLUSIVE!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg5NPGf8XolTqObd0v-P7OMVuGWzWEllWTrwh9U2ZMVyeuveUnDgKPnInEUQq1-PxCLc3Ius_JA0He-Entm45XTljR1qjdpIBrS3jyfnUG6TiB_w9DYUGqI6hwZTVwXydnpnpnMw/s1600-h/friends+043.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5422974004742093570" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg5NPGf8XolTqObd0v-P7OMVuGWzWEllWTrwh9U2ZMVyeuveUnDgKPnInEUQq1-PxCLc3Ius_JA0He-Entm45XTljR1qjdpIBrS3jyfnUG6TiB_w9DYUGqI6hwZTVwXydnpnpnMw/s320/friends+043.jpg" /></a> Don't listen to any of the stuff you hear on forums or even from the band themselves, the real reason behind the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Youthmovies</span> split is that they are planning to join that big T-Mobile jug band from the adverts. What a bunch of sell outs! Anyway, <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Mears</span> told me he don't give a shit what you think, and has already written a fuck load of lyrics about pay as you go tariffs that will TOTALLY change the way you think about connectivity. FOREVER.<br /><br />My favorite <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">Youthmovies</span> memory is when they did a cover of "Stay" by East 17 (this actually happened. I'm not making it up like some of the stuff that slips from my chubby little mouth). I think it was near <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">xmas</span> some years back.<br /><br />What will I miss most? The haircuts probably.<br /><br /><span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">PS</span>. I was absolutely freezing cold when I drew that picture so that's why it's even <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">shitter</span> than normal.lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-14146118024373170612009-11-26T16:00:00.010+00:002009-12-02T15:34:05.771+00:00Part 68; In which I attempt to meld Hadley Freeman subject matter, with Charlie Brooker misanthropic ire, but come across as slightly misogynistic.I never thought an item of footwear would make me angry, but I think I might contort into a retching fit of rage if I see another hot girl wearing <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Ugg</span> boots!<br /><br />I thought Oxford has the most <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Ugg</span> boots per <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">capita</span>, but it seems Newcastle is the real <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">Ugg</span> hell. In Oxford at least they were restricted to the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">Summertown</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">ra's</span>, but up here they don't seem to discriminate by social or economic class and I estimate that three in five women are wearing them. It must be reaching saturation point, right?<br /><br />I don't for a minute consider myself to be some kind of fashion <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-error">meister</span> (or even remotely fashionable), but the fact that even I know that <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-error">Ugg</span> boots are at least three years out of date should give you a fair idea of how baffling their popularity is.<br /><br />They stink too. Not just figuratively, but literally. And they look shit, like slippers given out on an Eskimo mental ward. I would rather look down towards a hot girl's feet and discover a pair of hooves than see those rank, tan shit-clumps. At least if she had hooves I might be able to come up with some barely witty chat up line about riding her and me being a stallion. If she was wearing <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_8" class="blsp-spelling-error">Ugg</span> boots I'd probably end up saying "I hope you're planning on removing those passe bacteria traps and burning them before I hump you. Would you like a drink?". I'm pretty sure that would ruin my chances but it's a risk I'd be willing to take.lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-76283647657256469392009-11-20T15:40:00.005+00:002009-11-20T15:54:41.288+00:00Newcastle Facts.I moved to Newcastle in July. Here is what I have learnt about it so far:<br /><br />1) Vegetarianism is illegal in Newcastle. It was outlawed in 1992 by Jimmy Nail who was serving as lord mayor at the time. The law is upheld by forcing people to lick a rasher of streaky bacon as they cross one of the forty bridges that link Newcastle to Scotland.<br /><br />2) Popular entertainers, Ant & Dec, were given the freedom of Newcastle in 1987. They frequently abuse this honour by daubing Newcastle Town Hall with obscene graffiti. Mostly of their own cocks.<br /><br />3) Newcastle was built atop of a pile of dreams.<br /><br />4) The colloquialism "Way aye", is the only recognised phrase in Newcastle for responding to a question in the affirmative.<br /><br />5) The world's first quilt was manufactured in Newcastle in 2002. It was designed to bring warmth and comfort to the Geordie people during football matches. It has since been destroyed and replaced with a giant snood.<br /><br />6) Former Newcastle Utd football captain Alan Shearer, owns the largest collection of signed Alan Shearer memorabilia anywhere in the North East.<br /><br />7) Mirrors are illegal in some parts of Newcastle. To get around this problem, residents in these areas will gather round a communal pond and gaze down at their reflections. These ponds are known locally as "Looking Pools" or "Stare Pits".<br /><br />8) Newcastle is sponsored by Greggs the Bakers.lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-20975592221172809582009-11-10T20:35:00.002+00:002009-11-10T20:36:36.907+00:00Oh Mickey You Are So Fine!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1w5FSUd47__av_dBTAMtIWjmjVMu_ts2uNlnLskouP9EC5VymsTiFQ-Qx3Rxr6j6Lta5AGPYyFM_kiFBnoGgYHYeGlb5-1yg7RVg_AmpHD0cAoKKp8br3jbszAaIoy1pcoe0mgg/s1600-h/friends+037.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5402576607812425474" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1w5FSUd47__av_dBTAMtIWjmjVMu_ts2uNlnLskouP9EC5VymsTiFQ-Qx3Rxr6j6Lta5AGPYyFM_kiFBnoGgYHYeGlb5-1yg7RVg_AmpHD0cAoKKp8br3jbszAaIoy1pcoe0mgg/s320/friends+037.jpg" /></a><br /><div></div>lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-84565712845624040932009-10-22T18:08:00.001+01:002009-10-22T18:10:09.248+01:00PRIME TIME!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKR7gqAhCwJONT3Wak9rwk1SBmj92WEoa2wYly2V0czYuoLgPYFPkyI7-dFfW8485szWRjhs1t53R92vCL12rFX8-PcvIfEUtD84RGgjacOaU70q3xjImJX7x2zKXwl_CzHKwNCw/s1600-h/friends+027.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5395472725597090434" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKR7gqAhCwJONT3Wak9rwk1SBmj92WEoa2wYly2V0czYuoLgPYFPkyI7-dFfW8485szWRjhs1t53R92vCL12rFX8-PcvIfEUtD84RGgjacOaU70q3xjImJX7x2zKXwl_CzHKwNCw/s320/friends+027.jpg" /></a><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyKsFCNqidZvPjUl4AS92_wKF7KgNjcJeco8VohrTdPPqoWVyQVJ0rJXwn9AfoEEQH8DSz6YNMKP8GLtIug8Z5PU5lkz8eoOfl4fZ-B5hhY7HxmCXYbVFUidMl1-q5CDI4nqxPQw/s1600-h/friends+021.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5395472726650860674" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyKsFCNqidZvPjUl4AS92_wKF7KgNjcJeco8VohrTdPPqoWVyQVJ0rJXwn9AfoEEQH8DSz6YNMKP8GLtIug8Z5PU5lkz8eoOfl4fZ-B5hhY7HxmCXYbVFUidMl1-q5CDI4nqxPQw/s320/friends+021.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div></div></div>lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-71011343959426179402009-10-15T17:19:00.003+01:002009-10-15T17:41:59.581+01:00Vic Reeves!I met that Vic Reeves off of the telly today! He did a book signing at HMV in Newcastle. I was a bit apprehensive that he might be a dick, but he was really nice and he even initiated a bit of small talk with me. I was so excited by the time I left the shop that I felt a tiny bit sick.<br />It certainly went much better than when I met Eddie Izzard a few years back. I was working at HMV in Oxford, and he came to sign something or other. We were allowed to get stuff signed before he went out, I asked him to sign one of his stupid dvds. He asked, "How do you spell "Lex"?". Nobody has ever asked me that before or since, even really stupid people.<br />I politely replied, "However you like." I think I must have been making an effort not to flummox his precious artistic temperament, and he was all like "WELL DO YOU SPELL IT WITH ONE X OR TWO?!". I don't know why he got so instantly shitty with me but it got my back up, "ONE FUCKING X YOU TWAT! I'M NOT A FUCKING ROBOT OR A COCK SHAPED SPACESHIP!". It certainly soured the experience for me. Luckily I was never that much of a fan in the first place. The fucking tool.lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-64509573989569343372009-09-13T11:45:00.006+01:002009-09-17T13:28:32.952+01:00Celebrity Job ExchangeImagine just how good it would be if all the people on TV had to swap jobs for at least one episode a year. Can't imagine it because modern life has rendered your imagination more barren than a female body builder? Let me help;<br /><br /><strong>Kevin McCloud (Grand Designs)</strong> swaps with <strong>Paul Merson (Gillette Soccer Saturday)</strong><br />Wouldn't it be amazing to see Kevin McCloud sat in the Sky Sports studio, confounding Phil Thompson and co. by talking about the Emirates Stadium "really working as a space"? And wouldn't it be equally amazing to see Paul Merson wandering round the sight of a half built eco-house, scratching his head and telling the viewers he "woodunt want a bog made from leafs in my manor!"? Yes it would.<br /><br /><strong>Babara Windsor (Eastenders)</strong> swaps with <strong>Sgt. Bash (Robot Wars)</strong><br />Babara Windsor fighting for survival against a robot armed with a circular saw and an axe? ACTIVATE!<br />A robot armed with a flame thrower playing the role of matriarchal land lady Peggy Mitchell? GERRR OUTTA MAH PUB!<br /><br /><br /><strong>Jeremy Paxman (Newsnight)</strong> swaps with <strong>Alan Carr & Justin Lee Collins (The Friday Night Project)</strong><br />Paxman brings his incessant questioning and candor to the irreverent, lightweight "comedy" show. <br />Alan Carr and Justin Lee Collins use their funny voices to interview the Prime Minister regarding the release of the Lockerbie bomber. <br /><br /><strong>Derren Brown (Trick of the Mind etc.)</strong> swaps with <strong>Noel Edmonds (Deal or No Deal, Noel's House Party)</strong><br />Master of mind-fuckery, Derren Brown, makes two hundred audience members act like Mr.Blobby, then guesses their bank details. He also makes the contestants on Deal or No Deal pick all the boxes with high amounts in and says buoyantly, "Wow! I think this is one of the most exciting games we've ever had!" Everyone is depressed and nobody wins more than 10p.<br />King of smug, Noel Edmonds, fails to guess which chamber contains the bullet in a live game of Russian roulette.lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-17542075449036488052009-09-02T19:43:00.004+01:002011-01-23T11:42:36.336+00:00Two SugarsHaving watched <a href="http://axlspotatofarm.blogspot.com/">Axl's</a> excellent videos, I have decided to have a go myself:<br /><br /><object width="480" height="390"><param name="movie" value="http://www.xtranormal.com/players/jwplayer.swf"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><param name="flashvars" value="height=390&width=480&file=http://newvideos.xtranormal.com/standard/7a67489e-97ec-11de-8c3c-003048d69c21_1_standard_medium-flv.flv&image=http://newvideos.xtranormal.com/standard/7a67489e-97ec-11de-8c3c-003048d69c21_1_standard_poster.jpg&link=http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090902141625124&searchbar=false&autostart=false"><embed src="http://www.xtranormal.com/players/jwplayer.swf" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" flashvars="height=390&width=480&file=http://newvideos.xtranormal.com/standard/7a67489e-97ec-11de-8c3c-003048d69c21_1_standard_medium-flv.flv&image=http://newvideos.xtranormal.com/standard/7a67489e-97ec-11de-8c3c-003048d69c21_1_standard_poster.jpg&link=http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090902141625124&searchbar=false&autostart=false" width="480" height="390"></embed></object><object width="480" height="390"><param name="movie" value="http://www.xtranormal.com/players/embedded-xnl-stats.swf"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.xtranormal.com/players/embedded-xnl-stats.swf" allowscriptaccess="always" width="1" height="1"></embed></object><br /><br /><strong><br /></strong>lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-74540184276601321142009-08-28T12:43:00.002+01:002009-08-28T12:43:54.365+01:00Sugar Lumps<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVi5Fxk9SDI_lvfC9YDlB3jhWErj-95bBYM-k99tAb2lCbAm7pURhfAf5MNYgQtRq2dYQbkKFCkJFu6XnbxTBwkrtim0zvCaBIfN7K35WiWnMljCoKDHiL62qFDj1gcpcv2ybRdA/s1600-h/friends+017.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5374978989497044450" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVi5Fxk9SDI_lvfC9YDlB3jhWErj-95bBYM-k99tAb2lCbAm7pURhfAf5MNYgQtRq2dYQbkKFCkJFu6XnbxTBwkrtim0zvCaBIfN7K35WiWnMljCoKDHiL62qFDj1gcpcv2ybRdA/s320/friends+017.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-20685513759016394572009-08-23T11:53:00.002+01:002009-08-23T11:54:56.408+01:00Simon Says<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh215gGz-uDnFP9fVABbK8pmrNp6bF0KV4JS6_jo9lxXCe-0i7Obi1nWUVza0jz32yA_qN0xMYsqxsqoUdw3vrwnY0B5Rq7RpXqSjPfDVk1arrSLBdqljSTt5m3DZng_chck4W3vg/s1600-h/friends+013.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5373110965435681410" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh215gGz-uDnFP9fVABbK8pmrNp6bF0KV4JS6_jo9lxXCe-0i7Obi1nWUVza0jz32yA_qN0xMYsqxsqoUdw3vrwnY0B5Rq7RpXqSjPfDVk1arrSLBdqljSTt5m3DZng_chck4W3vg/s320/friends+013.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-22725823008701710962009-08-23T11:38:00.001+01:002009-08-23T11:40:00.223+01:00When are these two going to work things out?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzBqPATnuQ5_o2v4GK3todrwMGEBhYFdKiTv3nt2oQNRZRbWdsEjEIpR0b7EONeUp-f75anhdGyJNlZKSSR08FNg7JvO_sjTVQru8_LtiK4SO4OYx4nHqPAM0p4BVFpvydXzNrMA/s1600-h/friends+008.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5373107107338882786" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzBqPATnuQ5_o2v4GK3todrwMGEBhYFdKiTv3nt2oQNRZRbWdsEjEIpR0b7EONeUp-f75anhdGyJNlZKSSR08FNg7JvO_sjTVQru8_LtiK4SO4OYx4nHqPAM0p4BVFpvydXzNrMA/s320/friends+008.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-10838960825016661772009-08-21T17:04:00.002+01:002009-08-21T17:05:33.237+01:00FRIENDS 4EVA!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLyOc1XhX-8a7IC4DDuJ0Dw3ZmrRFoGSsWKc7QwV397_AVMdm_ZWxaFOdM_7sTynSsc1ELl-sy9SRtzP_GO9f_0rA8ZE85FPc0hQBP1gKyWSaMEWIvU_rODkfNEl3oZVYa43ittQ/s1600-h/friends+003.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5372448772265882674" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLyOc1XhX-8a7IC4DDuJ0Dw3ZmrRFoGSsWKc7QwV397_AVMdm_ZWxaFOdM_7sTynSsc1ELl-sy9SRtzP_GO9f_0rA8ZE85FPc0hQBP1gKyWSaMEWIvU_rODkfNEl3oZVYa43ittQ/s320/friends+003.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-34277757078220755772009-08-04T22:27:00.007+01:002009-08-07T16:15:06.795+01:00Ground Force.Our garden is really just a concrete cell without a roof. Not anymore though! Not since I built this attractive planter:<br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOg6Zu9kgfQA6plPQ_jaJpJ4QssA7ZXtiJ-DLHV9lTsdsjcgZyZiQOe0FP2_Ka1lIipZggVRpVWce0xvMCB1xYA3BGEU-RVewvn_WKLdViv5WIQRe6SpkiqIylI3aKiPqCbgYBlg/s1600-h/soprano+summit+076.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5367230188620268674" style="WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOg6Zu9kgfQA6plPQ_jaJpJ4QssA7ZXtiJ-DLHV9lTsdsjcgZyZiQOe0FP2_Ka1lIipZggVRpVWce0xvMCB1xYA3BGEU-RVewvn_WKLdViv5WIQRe6SpkiqIylI3aKiPqCbgYBlg/s320/soprano+summit+076.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />It's made from an old plank I found when I was tidying up. I also have enough plank left to make another one.<br /><br />The plant on the left is called Launchpad McFuck, and the one on the right is called Rick Moranis (I can only take credit for Launchpad McFuck, my housemate, <a href="http://262soozieq.blogspot.com/">Sooz</a>, came up with Rick Moranis).<br /><br />Other things that I have been doing recently are:<br /><br /><ul><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT5Z_hNRNINFY7jRCGCK7etQ0Eo16P5qGoNYabs2K429xPZCh7dZKSl0f8lOI1_p4Z__LRcncJcFjLG2HsdEfXnwhcQuNydDGst0T7yXcElcYPTGL4wEc9xrO0sB2w_Ye3b205Yw/s1600-h/soprano+summit+074.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5367237160787622930" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT5Z_hNRNINFY7jRCGCK7etQ0Eo16P5qGoNYabs2K429xPZCh7dZKSl0f8lOI1_p4Z__LRcncJcFjLG2HsdEfXnwhcQuNydDGst0T7yXcElcYPTGL4wEc9xrO0sB2w_Ye3b205Yw/s320/soprano+summit+074.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><li>Going on holiday to the Lake District </li><br /><li>Getting hooked on black coffee</li><br /><li>Getting hooked on Arctic Roll</li><br /><li>Spending too much time watching America's Next Top Model, Maury, and Jerry Springer, and as a result becoming a bit like an antagonistic, bitchy, American woman, eg. <a href="http://simonswatman.tumblr.com/post/137673981/theduty-boom">saying stuff like this</a>.</li><br /><li>Enrolling at college only to find out that they cancelled two of the three subjects I was meant to be studying (Philosophy and Criminology). I'm now going to study English Literature, English Language and Film Studies.</li></ul><p>I'd go as far as saying that I don't think I've ever been this relaxed! My hair even seems to be getting thicker, and I think my chest has a little bit more on it too! By the time I start college next month, I'll be like a fat, wired Sasquatch.</p>lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-61047249485652255932009-07-21T14:07:00.002+01:002009-07-21T14:32:30.796+01:00SequelsI bet the movie moguls behind Harry Potter are shitting themselves that they've almost run out of books to make into films. To this end, I have the following suggestions for sequels for them to use:<br /><br /><ul><li>Harry Potter and the Tide of Impotence</li><li>Harry Potter and the Bosoms of Neglect</li><li>Harry Potter and the Fist of Indifference</li><li>Harry Potter and the Box of Mice</li><li>Harry Potter and the Catalogue of Feelings</li><li>Harry Potter and the Mule of Honesty</li><li>Harry Potter and the Big Book of Tits</li><li>Harry Potter: Snooker Loopy!</li><li>Harry Potter and the Phantom Pregnancy</li><li>Harry Potter and the Pile of Cats</li><li>Harry Potter and the Sense of Regret</li><li>Harry Potter and the Finger of Shame</li></ul><p>That should keep them going for a bit.</p>lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-80207977903633632862009-07-10T13:37:00.004+01:002009-07-16T11:34:37.987+01:00Wedding Vows.A few people I know have gotten or are getting married. I have offered to write their wedding vows for them but nobody has been <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">particularly</span></span> forthcoming. I have therefore decided to post them up here for anybody who wants to use them.<br /><br />Groom's Vows:<br /><br />"I promise to husband the shit out of you. By this I mean I'll take you to the pub on the weekend, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">occasionally</span></span> let you touch my stuff, and keep my genitals in good order. If this isn't good enough for you then I reserve the right to withdraw emotionally from you into a world of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">questionably</span></span> violent Internet porn and hard liquor. I may even hire a prostitute now and again, but to be honest I'll mostly just cry into her lap for an hour and offer to "take her away from all this". Alright?"<br /><br />Bride's Vows:<br /><br />"Hi! I promise to wife it up nice style. I will try my hardest not to make a cuckold of you, and even if I do, we'll probably be on the outs anyway. I promise to keep you well stocked in fags and supermarket own brand lager. I also promise to degrade myself sexually on your birthday but bear in mind this will drive an emotional wedge between us. I will corroborate any anecdotes you may tell socially, even though I find them crushingly dull and have already started cuckolding you as a result (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">soz</span></span>).<br />With regards to kids, I'm pretty indifferent.<br />K <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">thx</span></span>."<br /><br />Vicar:<br />(Shouting and slowly bringing hands together)<br /><br />"FUCK <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY</span></span>!"lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-57862077963485781192009-07-09T20:09:00.002+01:002009-07-09T20:26:05.014+01:00Moon Unit.The bi-product of a half moon cake, is another half moon cake.<br /><br />You can expect more pithy <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">observations</span> like this when I start my philosophy course in September. I might try and sell the above pithy observation to a fortune cookie <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">manufacturer</span> or that idiot, fake stand-up that sponsors something on channel 4 (you know the one that says stuff like "How do you know which comparison website is the best?").<br />I'm also going to be studying English Literature and Criminology, so expect me to start measuring the depth of your brow and then analysing your <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">relationship</span> with other characters.lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-78877333325717116832009-06-19T22:03:00.003+01:002009-06-19T22:53:55.418+01:00I am Only 47% ManThat's what McCoy's crisps say anyway. I just took their "Man Quiz" and apparently, choosing to read a book over watching repeats of Only Fools & Horses, not wanting to spend time with John Terry, choosing to cook for myself (instead of getting a woman to do it, obviously), and washing properly, all mean I'm "not strong enough to open a bag of McCoy's".<br /><br />I feel sorry for the poor fucker in the <a href="http://www.mccoys.co.uk/#/tvads/">McCoy's advert</a>. I only hope that the tube sucks him away to a much better pub, perhaps one with a higher tolerance for general knowledge and lower patron collesterol levels.<br /><br />I would rather be only 47% man than 100% salty and thick.lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003807.post-21688048797359917262009-06-09T23:12:00.005+01:002009-06-10T00:14:21.474+01:00Bonjour Newcastle!I am considering reinventing myself when I move to Newcastle next month. I only know a few people up there, so as long as they keep their mouths shut I should be able to get away with presenting myself however I want. So far I have come up with the following options:<br /><br /><ul><br /><li>Big headed ladies man</li><br /><li>In demand after dinner speaker</li><br /><li>Britain's most belligerent boss</li><br /><li>Britain's most belligerent psychic</li><br /><li>Spanish guy</li><br /><li>French guy</li><br /><li>Psychic French guy </li></ul><p> </p><p> </p><br /><p>I'm leaning towards Psychic French guy because the double dose of mystery is a sure winner with chicks 'n' stuff, for example: </p><br /><p>"Bonjour Mademoiselle, (all in a French accent whilst holding girls hand and smoking two Gauloises) I sense a lot of sadness in you. You are like a lonely giraffe, drifting on a orchid along a very sensual river towards a sea of sexy tears. Fuck?"</p>Hopefully I can keep up this charade long enough to banish any trace of my old (sicking up in the bath) personality.<br /><p></p><br /><p></p><br /><p></p><br /><p></p>lexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18029237200553569151noreply@blogger.com1