New Yoik

I'm going to New York on Monday morning! I'm really excited!

I think this trip will be the apex of my Seinfeld obsession. I'm going to spend the whole week singing the theme from Seinfeld wherever I go. The New Yorkers will probably find it endearing if anything. If they get tired of it then I'll just start singing another song to do with New York.

If I go in a New York taxi, I'll make small talk with the driver by saying "How 'bout them Knicks?" and he'll fucking LOVE it. I'm pretty good at making small talk with taxi drivers, I once made one laugh in Newcastle. In fact, I'm confident I'll slot right in to the hustle and bustle of New York. Either that or get mugged or conned.

I've been trying to remember all the most British sounding phrases and swear words I know, in order to impress the New York women folk by sounding classy. I think I'll go for a tougher version of Hugh Grant, charming, but less ponce and more bastard. I'll take them to an English themed pub, and tell them that a fry up and ten pints of Carling is an upper class delicacy in my country. That ought to do the trick.