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21.7.09

Sequels

I bet the movie moguls behind Harry Potter are shitting themselves that they've almost run out of books to make into films. To this end, I have the following suggestions for sequels for them to use:

  • Harry Potter and the Tide of Impotence
  • Harry Potter and the Bosoms of Neglect
  • Harry Potter and the Fist of Indifference
  • Harry Potter and the Box of Mice
  • Harry Potter and the Catalogue of Feelings
  • Harry Potter and the Mule of Honesty
  • Harry Potter and the Big Book of Tits
  • Harry Potter: Snooker Loopy!
  • Harry Potter and the Phantom Pregnancy
  • Harry Potter and the Pile of Cats
  • Harry Potter and the Sense of Regret
  • Harry Potter and the Finger of Shame

That should keep them going for a bit.

10.7.09

Wedding Vows.

A few people I know have gotten or are getting married. I have offered to write their wedding vows for them but nobody has been particularly forthcoming. I have therefore decided to post them up here for anybody who wants to use them.

Groom's Vows:

"I promise to husband the shit out of you. By this I mean I'll take you to the pub on the weekend, occasionally let you touch my stuff, and keep my genitals in good order. If this isn't good enough for you then I reserve the right to withdraw emotionally from you into a world of questionably violent Internet porn and hard liquor. I may even hire a prostitute now and again, but to be honest I'll mostly just cry into her lap for an hour and offer to "take her away from all this". Alright?"

Bride's Vows:

"Hi! I promise to wife it up nice style. I will try my hardest not to make a cuckold of you, and even if I do, we'll probably be on the outs anyway. I promise to keep you well stocked in fags and supermarket own brand lager. I also promise to degrade myself sexually on your birthday but bear in mind this will drive an emotional wedge between us. I will corroborate any anecdotes you may tell socially, even though I find them crushingly dull and have already started cuckolding you as a result (soz).
With regards to kids, I'm pretty indifferent.
K thx."

Vicar:
(Shouting and slowly bringing hands together)

"FUCK AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

9.7.09

Moon Unit.

The bi-product of a half moon cake, is another half moon cake.

You can expect more pithy observations like this when I start my philosophy course in September. I might try and sell the above pithy observation to a fortune cookie manufacturer or that idiot, fake stand-up that sponsors something on channel 4 (you know the one that says stuff like "How do you know which comparison website is the best?").
I'm also going to be studying English Literature and Criminology, so expect me to start measuring the depth of your brow and then analysing your relationship with other characters.