C.Dificil

I was looking up c dificil because my friend Tim mentioned it would be a good band name, when I came across this ABSOLUTE PEARLER in the comments of a Mail On Sunday story about the same thing:
"My mother caught C Dificil and was told to "sit in it" when they were too lazy to give her a bedpan or commode - just think of all the bugs that left flying around the ward!".
FLYING BUGS! "SIT IN IT"! This really has all the things I love most about the Mail On Sunday readership and their zero tolerance approach to facts.

Two year anniversary (sort of).

Hello! Well who would've thought that two years on I'd still be writing in this blog every week? A lot of things have changed in the last two years. I have loved and lost (see posts about Mr Fingers, but don't ask me about it because it's still pretty raw) and developed several bad habits/phobias (see posts about scotch/driving). There's other stuff too but I just deleted it because it read back pretty dull.

What next? At the moment I've decided to get fit. I've been trying to eat well for about a year but I hardly ever exercise. Now I'm starting to exercise so pretty soon I'll be so ripped that my default greeting won't be a handshake, it'll be a bench press. That's right, I'm going to bench you.

The picture above sums up everything pretty succinctly.

HALLOWE'EN SPECIAL!!!!!!!

FUCK YEAH! It's a super scary Halloween special.

1. How to tell if stuff and buildings are haunted or unhaunted.

I have a few fail safe rules on how to work out if stuff and buildings are haunted. It's the main reason I've never seen a ghost even though I'm nearly 25.

• If someone is giving away something that is old but looks like it might be worth money, you can bet your own sanity that it's haunted to fuck! I was in London a couple of months ago and someone offered me an old school desk. "No thanks you bastard!" I said, "I got enough of my own problems without having to worry about the ghost of some victorian school boy telling me he's "So cold", I'll just lean on a book if I need to write anything!"


• If you ever get the chance to go into outer space you better not be scared of ghosts. Outer space is full to the TITS with space ghosts! Everyone knows about aliens or whatever, but what about all the animals they sent up before they could send people? They all died in outer space! If you think going up there will be all floaty and brilliant, think about this: how do you fancy getting bit off a outer space ghost dog? Fuck that!


• If you live in a old converted school house you better look at the first point I made. THEN MULTIPLY IT BY AT LEAST A MILLION!!!!!


• If you live above a butchers' shop, you need to do this simple equation: POINT 2 + POINT 3 X DEAD ANIMAL GHOSTS = HEARD OF ANGRY MURDERED COWS, PIGS ETC!!! GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE BEFORE YOU GET GHOST GRAZED INTO GHOST CUD!!!


• 2. There is no 2. It died and became a ghost. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Nb. Hey actual small kids, don't worry if any of these points apply to you. Ghosts aren't real they're just for laughs! Except outer space animal ghosts.

Now go and buy me a Nintendo Wii.

It IS nice up North!

You know when you visit somewhere and you have some preconceptions about what its going to be like, but you tell yourself "It won't really be like that!"? And most of the time it isn't. This weekend I paid my first visit to Manchester to visit my friend Laura. I spent some of the train journey thinking about how accurate my view of Manchester would be. Surely they won't just play music by The Smiths, Happy Mondays and Stone Roses will they? And they DEFINITELY won't flail around, stomping they're feet on the spot in a fit of ecstasy fuelled bad dance moves circa 1990 while they listen to it will they? "Of course they won't!" I thought to myself, "What a silly Southern sausage I am!". But hang on a minute, because that's exactly what I saw quite a lot of people doing at various stages of my visit. Don't get me wrong, I'm not down on Manchester at all, in fact I loved it there, I was just a bit surprised that's all. It was actually pretty nice to see a place where everybody was really proud of they're town, especially coming from snobby Oxford. It was a really friendly place full of interesting buildings and shops, and I quickly felt pretty relaxed walking about the different places Laura showed me. I got a really nice Melvins poster and on Sunday we went to Urbis which is a big glass building full of pictures and projects about making cities more interesting places to be eg. there were some pictures of a massive pillow fight they had in San Francisco (I think). AND THE WEATHER WAS NICE AND SUNNY!

Have you seen my (two faced) cat? Or "How I Learned how i learned to stop worrying and HATE cats (again).

A couple of weeks ago I told you all about my lovely cat, Mr Fingers, well I'm afraid to say that he is gone.

I have not seen him for ages. Not since the people next door moved away in fact. I'm beginning to think that he may have gone with them! I really thought that me and he, had a quite magical bond with each other but it turns out that he is a two faced little sneak!

I feel such a fool. People warned me about how cats often like to have two or more families because they are naturally treacherous, but i was so insistent that Mr Fingers was different.

Before anybody says about him maybe getting run over, let me assure you that it is a total impossibility, such was Mr Fingers' level of street savvy and all round hip to the beat attitude.

I will never trust another cat as long as I live. So help me God.

Telly Savalas.

Here are some good ideas for telly.

1. Neigh-Sayer: King of 70's disco soul, Leo Sayer, rides around on a Shire horse casting aspersions on things.
2. Best of Both Worlds: Dead drunk, dead footballer, George Best returns to host a light hearted look at the best bits of both the mortal realm, and the afterlife.
3. Bennett Likes Beckham: Old, gay, northern playwright, Alan Bennett, speaks for the first time about his unrequited love for David Beckham.
4. I'll Be The Judge of That!: Beavis and Butthead/King of The Hill creator, Mike Judge, travels the English countryside in search of country fetes. On finding a fete, Mike makes a beeline for the vegetable competition. Biding his time, Mike waits until the prize for best in show is announced, then he causes mass consternation with his trademark cry of, "I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT!".
5. Madsen's Square Garden: Hollywood tough guy, Michael Madsen (Reservoir Dogs, Free Willy 2), shows us around his beautiful square roof garden. In part two, Michael tells us how we can achieve such a garden for ourselves.
6. Dust In Hoffman: Oscar Winner, Philip Seymour Hoffman (Capote), suffers from an severe allergic reaction to household dust. In this programme we'll be taking an in depth look at what happens when there's dust in Hoffman.

me and mr fingers down by the school yard.

i got a cat recently. his name is mr fingers and i love him very much. we built a snowman together a few weeks ago. we called him snowy because he looked a bit like the dog from tin tin. we mostly go everywhere together, and i have just taught mr fingers to walk on his two hind legs, which he seems to like. let me tell you, we certainly get a few funny looks whilst we're trotting along down the street!
the other day we were doing a spot of weeding in the garden, and i spotted a mole hill. mr fingers, ever the more adventurous, tried to talk me into going into the mole tunnel to see what it was like.
after about an hour of negotiating, i agreed and we set off.
fuck me it was dark.

part ii

i thought of a much better version for jurassic park 2.
jeff goldblum and that blonde chick go back in time after they escaped from the park in the first film. except that she dumped sam neill to go out with goldblum.
sam neill, hell bent on revenge, also goes back in time but he has also found a way to control dinosaurs and use them to his own means.
goldblum: oi sammmmmm neillll!don't bovva! just because i had a bit of a flirt with your missus the otherday, there's no need to get a load of dinos on me is there?
nnnneeeeiiiiillll: well shows what you know gold-BUM! everyone who knows anything about dinos, knows that most of them thrive on a gang mentality or put more simply, the group dynamic.
old-bum: yeah well she's with me now, ain't she? so you better get used to it because we're pretty uninhibitted and will try anything twice. even pissing.
neeeeeeeeeeeeeil: DINOS ATTAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!
following his final commands, all the dinosaurs hover above cold bum and blondie like a swarm of killer bees, and then they start pecking them like chickens. (at this point it must be made clear that dinosaurs are really similar to birds, just like in the first film.