childrens names

some of the time when i'm bored i like to think of names for children.for the purposes of this blog lets say that my surname is sneijder.
what about if i called one of my kids domestos sneijder (boy) or solero sneijder (girl).but then i thought about middle names.what about if you called a kid the same middle name as their first name?like tony tony sniejder or ian ian ian ian sneijder.it would be awesome!nintendo nintendo nintendo sega commadore sneijder.

world cup dream

a couple of months ago i had the most amazing dream.i thought i'd better record it fo' posterity.
in the dream i'm playing football for holland in the world cup final.this may not seem that exciting to those of you who don't follow football,but let me asure you that what follows will thrill you to your very marrow.
as far as i can remember, i've already scored a couple of goals for holland(this may come as a suprise to some of you as i don't have any dutch blood).after that all i can remember is running down the right wing pushing argentine starlet lionel messi along in a wheel chair with the ball in his lap,he had a broken leg.with one defender to beat i do a 360 degree spin around him.i should mention that the goal is actually a massive wheelchair ramp, complete with rail.to score the winning goal i throw poor lionel over an 8 foot rail into the goal.thus i become a dutch national hero and bask forever in my amazing cripple flinging abilities.




I have semi-deleted this because listening to people tell you about their dreams is really boring. I didn't realise that when I wrote this. It's why Inception is so crushingly dull.

why do you hate me,dvla?!!!!!

i failed my 4th driving test today.i'm so pissed off!the reason i'm pissed off is that i can drive like a god at all other times,but as soon as there is someone in a yellow safety jacket sat next to me,scrutinisysing my beautiful carmanship,i turn in to the worlds biggest retard.when i found out that i'd failed today,i wept.i wept bitter,salty,shame filled little resevoirs of shame,and salt.i'm still weeping right now.my fingers keep slipping off the keys because of all the tears.boo hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

FASTER TARKA!

this summer me and some of my friends are going on a canoooooooing holiday.i can't wait for life on the high seas (river wye)!if i don't automatically become admiral of the fleet when we start,i'll fight whoever is for control.i'm not sure if its going to be like deliverence or the river wild.i don't know which i would prefer,banjo duelling or the excitement of being held at gun point by armed fugitives.one things for sure nobody will fuck with my boat once they see my potato cannon that i'm going to build!if i get a bit tired i'm going to tie my canoe to some swans/otters so they can pull me along.actually i reckon it might be more like waterworld,except for the drinking your own piss,and having gils,and i don't think dennis hopper can come,and i can't be bothered to take a little orange tree,but apart from that i think it'll be pretty close.

POLICIA!

early on saturday morning i was stopped by the police for being a suspected animal rights activist.may i remind you that i HATE cats!

irony

i am right handed and right footed,but today i noticed that my penis points slightly to the left.how ironic is that?

HA!

HA!thats right it was a massive trick to make all of you put pets in little boats!now i can initiate my real plan which is,UNWANTED PET BATTLE SHIPS!!!!they don't stand a chance,not when i'm stood on the bank of a canal with an air rifle,a catapult,and a load of illegal fireworks!kittens schmittens!

kittens

I haven't written in my blog for so long because I've been spending all my time coming up with this idea. Here it is.
You often hear sad stories about people tying up a load of unwanted kittens in a sack or bin liner and throwing them in to a canal. My idea is this,why not build them a little boat instead and fill it with a bit of food, then float it out on a river. That way the kittens might get found and taken in by a kindly fisherman or child playing pooh sticks. I call this idea "Furry Little Moses."
This idea could also work for other unwanted pets too. Imagine a parrot or cockatoo tied to the shoulder of a model pirate floating down a river, you could put bird seed in the brim of the pirates hat. At least they would be in their natural habitat for once.

(thanks to matt for the picture)

thats rubbin',and rubbin's racing!

i failed my first driving test today.guess what for,driving too cautiously!i cannot believe you can fail for this.surely its better to be extra careful than to be a reckless prick!fucking dvla.next time i do the test i'm going to drive like a total badass like mr T or tj hooker or knight rider or tom cruise in days of thunder.also i got told that my eyes and mouth remind someone i know of a young elvis.not costello,the other one.

stupid new year head cold bull-shit.

i almost didn't go out on new year because i started to feel really ill.i reckon that eating 36 tesco value chicken nuggets may have weakened my usually invinsible immune system.i only ate that many because i was in a contest.
by the way those shirts i got,have collars that iwould normally deem too big,so my war with the fashion industry rages on!

fucking stupid clothes

i been shopping for clothes today.i fucking hate clothes shopping.every time i see a shirt i think i like,as soon as i go and look closely, it has some ridiculous detail on it.for instance a studid emdroidery of a dragon,or seams that aren't finished,or some twat has been at it with a stanley knife, or its been flicked with paint or bleach!in the end i managed to find 2 shirts that i actually liked!i couldn't believe it!2!shove it up you're arse fashion industry!anyway,my xmas was pretty much what you'd expect.i followed the brightest star in the sky until it lead me to the birthplace of the messiah,then i watched the network premier of the 1st harry potter film.

list of enemies

i had the idea of writing a list of all my enemies.i started thinking about who would be on it,i even bought a brand new pen to write my hate filled register of hate.then something struck me,what if said list should get into the hands of said enemies!those more powerful than me(of which there are few) might be moved to take action against me to thwart my rise and rise.those weaker than me (of which there are many) might decide to form an alliance against me,a bit like a fucked up UN!this can not happen.if it did i think natural disasters would at least triple and most of the worlds major economies would go into recession.for these reasons i am taking my new pen back to the shop and keeping my list to myself.

the midas touch

i just wore my gold shoes out for the first time!when i walked in to the pub,a deathly silence crept through the whole room.i didn't know what was going on at first,but then i realised it was the shoes.the awe-struck throng awaited my words,"DAT RIGHT,DEY GOL'!AIN'T YOU SUCKAS EVA SEEN NO GOL' SHOES BEFO'?!anyway this is the last time i'm going to talk about them,for a while at least.

scotch cramps

.i just pounded a ton of fucking scotch.also emma better fucking like her present because i had to go to the christmas shoppers paradise that is cornmarket street to get it.this involved a lot of counting to ten so as i didn't fuck up a load of shit.it also made me super tired so i had to pound that ton of scotch that i previously mentioned.scotch is like my version of popeye and cans of spinach.i can't decide if i should sleep in the cram hole or walk back home,i think the next 10 mins will make the decision for me.remember,soon you'll all bow to me when i have my gold trainers.also if anyone has an interesting suggestion for a variation on the fish finger sandwich i'd be grateful to hear it.

gold shoes on way!

i am getting a pair of the gold trainers that i mentioned previously!i cannot wait,i think they might be the thing that makes my life complete.i also think they might give me a strange,unearthly power over suckas who just have normal shoes.i might also change my name to goldy feet,golden claw,or talon of gold.

atp

i just got back from atp.it was really good.i can't really be bothered to go on about it at the moment because i'm really tired from pounding the scotch for three nights in a row.i even got the dreaded scotch cramps.now i have to go home and learn how to pass the driving theory test before 5pm tomorrrow.people have told me its really easy but they probably didn't pound as much scotch as me.

wing dang doodle

i haven't been able to post anything for a while because the computer has a virus.tootsies was gooooood!my burger was so big that when i opened my mouth as wide as i could to take the first bite,i only managed to graze it!the waitress was very enthusiastic about her work and everyone told her my name when i was in the toilet.this as you can understand,freaked me out!i kept thinking how did she know that?then as we were eating pudding,the lights went dark.at first i just thought they were doing that thing that some bars do when the night gets later,but they kept getting darker and darker until they were practically off.i grew suspicious,iwas right so be.the waiting staff came out with a small icecream sunday with a fucking massive roman candle in the top!i was mortified.

tonight i'll eat a burger!(somewhere in this town!)

damn straight!going to fucking tootsie burger thats why!by the way the title is meant to be sung to the tune of jailbreak by thin lizzy.this is the final installment of my birthday week and i reckon its gonna be awesome.
sorry about the end of my last post,i think the thought of being a pirate captain went to my head a bit.plus i'd just drank a load of rum.
still no new pictures i'm afraid.if i try to do it on my own,something will break.i just tried to change the colour of the dashboard and i got scared so i stopped.
i 've just been looking for places that sell these fucking excellent gold nike trainers i saw in town a few weeks ago.when i first saw them i thought they were rubbish.then by the time i'd gotten home and thought about them some more,i realised it would be fucking brilliant to have gold trainers!i imagined running past sunbathers really fast and them seeing only a gold flash,"what the fuck was that?"one of them would say,"i don't know,maybe it was a condor!"the other would reply,but i'd be gone!or imagine dancing with gold trainers on!I WANT THEM SO BADLY!i'll get a picture of them up as soon as i can.

i forgot how to work my blog.

thats right i forgot!you see,i'm not actually very good with computers,i find them a bit confusing.this means that until i've learnt and remembered how to put photos on here,you'll have to just keep looking at that kid crying.even though my birthday was on tuesday i still consider all of this week to be my birthday.this means i still expect people to be really nice to me and stuff.i haven't actually told anyone this so i'll probably be really shocked when someone is rude to me.if i get in an arguement i'll try and explain that its still my birthday,but i don't think it will wash,especially if i know the person.
my birthday drink was really good fun.emma got me a pirate hat,eyepatch and cutlass so i was looking pretty fucking macho as you can probably imagine!one guy in the pub tried to take a chair off our table even though i had a fucking cutlass!he must've been retarded or something,(if your reading this,retard,learn to pick your fucking battles).
i'm going now.

you smell nice!

hello,this is my first thing i wrote.its my birthday today,i'm 23 years old.i usually take a week off work to celebrate because i am extremely self centered and therefore enjoy the attention.for my birthday dinner i made myself a massive ommelette.it had 9 ingredients other than eggs if you include the 3 types of salami,it was delicious.my mum came round to see me but i was busy playing with an old synthesiser so i ignored her a bit.my favourite things are buying records,whistling and telling lies.i've never seen a ghost.this week the oxford mails front page headline news was about stupid cretins jumping off magdalen bridge on mayday and how the police want to stop it.i would like to take this opportunity to remind the oxford mail that it is now the middle of november, and that this story doesn't really seem relevant at the moment.november!