MACK-iavelli.

Bored? Why not try this cut out and keep guide to stealing girlfriends?

1. Identify a girlfriend you would like to steal.

2. Wait for her boyfriend to go and top up his phone. While he is away, tell the girlfriend about your massive contract and that you are WAP enabled. Wink.

3. If you see the couple shopping, and he picks up something that's Tesco blue-stripe, immediately pick up the Tesco's Finest equivalent. This will rattle the boyfriend's confidence and, simultaneously, make you look so affluent that she'll probably think that you shit iPads and own a car!

4. Oh hello! What's this in his gym bag? It's the butterfly knife you put there! Frown and shake your head in disappointment on discovery of the knife. Now she'll think her boyfriend is a stabby twat.

5. While you're planting stuff in the boyfriend's bag, how about putting a couple of Dan Brown books in there? That shit is for morons.

6. Ask her how many spunks her boyfriend can do in one day, then tell her you can do double whatever his tally is.

7. Give her a piece of expensive looking jewelery. If she asks where you got it, tell her you stole it from a museum. Crime doesn't necessarily pay, but it can make you look fucking sexy.

8. Congratulations! You've successfully made her boyfriend look like a feckless spendthrift, a knife carrying maniac, barely able to muster anything approaching a respectable amount of ejaculate from his drooping testes. You on the other hand, are now a cum-heavy, croissant chomping fuck-machine, who can talk on the phone for up to 500 minutes without incurring any extra charges. How can she possibly resist? You magnificent bastard.

Fig Newton.

Masterchef.

John "The Toad" Torode: Lex, what you are cooking for us today?

Me: Hi John. Today I will be cooking a large onion poached in vodka and served with a brown sauce reduction. I will follow this with a Freddo the frog chocolate bar. Magic!

Gregg "The Egg" Wallace: That's a lot of big flavours Lex. Do you think you think you can pull it off?

Me: For sure, my kids love this shit!

John Torode: (away to camera) It sounds bloody yummo, but he has to be really careful not to open that Freddo too early. I think we could have a potential champion on our hands.

(Later)

Gregg Wallace: Lex, can you tell us what it is you love about cooking?

Me: Well like I mentioned earlier, I've got three kids under the age of five, two of whom are morbidly obese/jolly. I would love to be able to take them out of nursery and have them run an upmarket bistro with me instead.

(Gregg starts to cry)

Me: Oh Greggy, don't cry!

Eggy Greggy: I'm sorry, I don't normally, it's just that this large onion has blown my fucking mind.

(John Torode looks at Gregg with a disappointed sneer wriggling up his face)

Me: Maybe you should look in the mirror before you judge Gregg, John.

(Torode looks in one of the polished work surfaces. As he gazes down, he realises that his face is covered in Freddo chocolate. He too begins to cry. We all embrace each other. John looks at his watch and then he looks around the Masterchef kitchen, everyone is gone.)

Toady Torodey: Hey, where has everyone gone?

Me: Oh silly John! We've been here for over nine hours!

(At this point they give me the trophy and we all go home.)

The In Sound From Way Out!

2009 was OK, but in terms of music it'll only be remembered as the year directly before 2010! These are the bands to watch over the next twelve months.

Jihad Afterparty: Electro-Spaz fuckholes from who knows where, making the best anal buff you've never heard. Only play in italics.

Quicken The Pace Soldier!: Absolutely THEE most post-rock thing ever. Seven bearded guys in plaid shirts, masturbating into a viola with increasing intensity until the whole thing erupts into a mournful, spunky crescendo. Orchestral Bukkake In The Dark, if you like.

Visceral Spasm: Hardcore, but without all the moping and not having sex. Still well fucking serious though. Best thing to come out of Kent since Dover.

Pi$$ Gibbon: Chlamydia-core. Expect to see them turn up on Eastenders E20 not giving a FUCK! Way too edgy for Skins, or even Hollyoaks Later.

Honeysuckle Cupcake: Twee-er than Stuart Murdoch and Calvin Johnson writing a fanzine about cardigans. But wait! There's a twist! They are MASSIVELY RACIST! Not even in a semi-funny ironic way either, just racist. Probably best to give this one a miss.

Youthmovies Break Up WORLD EXCLUSIVE!

Don't listen to any of the stuff you hear on forums or even from the band themselves, the real reason behind the Youthmovies split is that they are planning to join that big T-Mobile jug band from the adverts. What a bunch of sell outs! Anyway, Mears told me he don't give a shit what you think, and has already written a fuck load of lyrics about pay as you go tariffs that will TOTALLY change the way you think about connectivity. FOREVER.

My favorite Youthmovies memory is when they did a cover of "Stay" by East 17 (this actually happened. I'm not making it up like some of the stuff that slips from my chubby little mouth). I think it was near xmas some years back.

What will I miss most? The haircuts probably.

PS. I was absolutely freezing cold when I drew that picture so that's why it's even shitter than normal.