shit-ish rail.

"i recently went to newcastle on the train with my friend paul." that's what i should be starting this post with, but no, a million times no.
you see, because the railways seem to be run by twats dressed like dicks acting like wankers, we had to abandon that beautifully constructed yet deceptively simple plan.you know, getting on a train in oxford, and 4 hours later getting off in newcastle. instead, because we had booked "value saver tickets" online and had got the times a little bit wrong, we had to get a fucking bus to fucking london so we could get another fucking bus all the fucking way to fucking newcastle.
the reason for my earlier outburst against the people who run the railways really only applies to a small group of men, who on realizing that we had indeed missed our train, proceeded to rub it in as much as they could.
Train man: "No mate these tickets aren't valid anymore."
Me: "What?"
TM: "Well you see here on the ticket where it says VAL SV 328723762?"
Me: "Yep."
TM: "Well that means that you can only travel with this ticket at the stated time. Dave, come and explain to these lads why they can't travel with these tickets."(at this point another train man joins in and proceeds to tell us the exact same thing.)
Me: "Oh that's right i remember, we're meant to use the skills that are taught in schools from an early age, you know the ones paul, where they teach you to decipher British rail abbreviations and codes."
TM (becoming ever more smug and condescending): "If you want to get the next train it'll cost you £78 each."
Me: "Can't you make any exceptions?"
TM: "No, that'll be £78 each."
Me: "FUCK YOU! I WOULDN'T GIVE YOU THE FUCKING SATISFACTION! I'D RATHER CRAWL NAKED OVER SOILED BANDAGES FROM A PLASTIC SURGERY CLINIC ALL THE WAY TO NEWCASTLE THAN SEE THE SELF GRATIFYING LOOK ON YOUR CHARMLESS, TIME WASTING, JOBS WORTH, BEADY-EYED LITTLE FACE!"

In Newcastle.
when we finally got to newcastle it was really good!
they have this thing in one of their big department stores where in the build up to xmas you can queue up and meet jimmy nail! it was ace! i went on it twice.
also we went in this place for lunch and it was so lavish that i was all like "what is this place? some great lost palace of a long forgotten time, where kings longed for nothing and queens' faces were made of only the finest porcelain?" Then emma pointed out that it was a weatherspoons, so i had the "burger and a pint for £3.99 deal."