MACK-iavelli.

Bored? Why not try this cut out and keep guide to stealing girlfriends?

1. Identify a girlfriend you would like to steal.

2. Wait for her boyfriend to go and top up his phone. While he is away, tell the girlfriend about your massive contract and that you are WAP enabled. Wink.

3. If you see the couple shopping, and he picks up something that's Tesco blue-stripe, immediately pick up the Tesco's Finest equivalent. This will rattle the boyfriend's confidence and, simultaneously, make you look so affluent that she'll probably think that you shit iPads and own a car!

4. Oh hello! What's this in his gym bag? It's the butterfly knife you put there! Frown and shake your head in disappointment on discovery of the knife. Now she'll think her boyfriend is a stabby twat.

5. While you're planting stuff in the boyfriend's bag, how about putting a couple of Dan Brown books in there? That shit is for morons.

6. Ask her how many spunks her boyfriend can do in one day, then tell her you can do double whatever his tally is.

7. Give her a piece of expensive looking jewelery. If she asks where you got it, tell her you stole it from a museum. Crime doesn't necessarily pay, but it can make you look fucking sexy.

8. Congratulations! You've successfully made her boyfriend look like a feckless spendthrift, a knife carrying maniac, barely able to muster anything approaching a respectable amount of ejaculate from his drooping testes. You on the other hand, are now a cum-heavy, croissant chomping fuck-machine, who can talk on the phone for up to 500 minutes without incurring any extra charges. How can she possibly resist? You magnificent bastard.