Masterchef.

John "The Toad" Torode: Lex, what you are cooking for us today?

Me: Hi John. Today I will be cooking a large onion poached in vodka and served with a brown sauce reduction. I will follow this with a Freddo the frog chocolate bar. Magic!

Gregg "The Egg" Wallace: That's a lot of big flavours Lex. Do you think you think you can pull it off?

Me: For sure, my kids love this shit!

John Torode: (away to camera) It sounds bloody yummo, but he has to be really careful not to open that Freddo too early. I think we could have a potential champion on our hands.

(Later)

Gregg Wallace: Lex, can you tell us what it is you love about cooking?

Me: Well like I mentioned earlier, I've got three kids under the age of five, two of whom are morbidly obese/jolly. I would love to be able to take them out of nursery and have them run an upmarket bistro with me instead.

(Gregg starts to cry)

Me: Oh Greggy, don't cry!

Eggy Greggy: I'm sorry, I don't normally, it's just that this large onion has blown my fucking mind.

(John Torode looks at Gregg with a disappointed sneer wriggling up his face)

Me: Maybe you should look in the mirror before you judge Gregg, John.

(Torode looks in one of the polished work surfaces. As he gazes down, he realises that his face is covered in Freddo chocolate. He too begins to cry. We all embrace each other. John looks at his watch and then he looks around the Masterchef kitchen, everyone is gone.)

Toady Torodey: Hey, where has everyone gone?

Me: Oh silly John! We've been here for over nine hours!

(At this point they give me the trophy and we all go home.)