I Hope They Die Before They Reform.

Hi! Long time no see, fuckwads. I have been busy watching telly and drinking sugary milk.

I hate how many bands reform these days so I have come up with a proposal to reign it in a bit. I don't know about you but I'm getting pig sick of all these OLD FUCKS cashing in and going on reunion tours. I reckon that people would be better off boycotting them in favour of watching something new and original. That is not my proposal though because I cannot trust that all the simpering morons who make up the general public will follow this through.

I propose the formation of a special committee who would be in charge of issuing permits for bands to reform. I would obviously be head of the committee because it's my idea and I'm the most furious about it. The other members would be picked based on their integrity and hatred of sell outs. I can only think of Steve Albini and Bill Hicks* at the moment but I'm sure I'll find some others.

Bands wanting to reform would have to submit a written request to the committee. In the request they would have to state their case for their reunion. The committee would then consider the request based on a number of criteria. These would be:

1) Are ALL of the original members involved in the reunion? If the answer is no then the request will be denied right away. This would also include bands where any of the band members had died. Nobody wants to see some dead guy's kid filling in and nobody wants to see 3/4 of a band. This definitely applies to missing singers. That's right Queen and Paul Rodgers, you bunch of smug dicks, you wouldn't have even got past round one.

2) If the band manage to meet the first requirement they will be called in for a face to face meeting with the committee. The date and venue of the meeting will not be told to the band until the very last minute. All band members MUST be present at the meeting. Not telling them when the meeting is or where will have a two pronged effect;
a) They will be forced to spend time together while they wait for the meeting to be announced. This will help weed out anybody who would be suspected of quitting the tour midway through because they FUCKING HATE each other and can't even be in the same room, eg. The Spice Girls. I'll admit that some residual animosity can be good for the audience. The hatred between a lead guitarist and a lead singer is often a major factor in a bands original greatness. BUT woe betide anyone who promises the world on a plate only to cry off after two weeks because "Scary poked my tit."
b) The meeting could be anywhere in the world, so it will test the band's commitment to the proposed reunion if they have to travel an unknown distance to a mystery location at the drop of a hat.

3) Will the reunion be detrimental to the bands legacy? Many bands were good because they were young and dangerous when they came to prominance. They made exciting records that only a young band ripped to the tits on speed and acid could have made. What could be worse then, than paying £25+ to see a middle aged man singing about "his generation" and casually sipping expensive mineral water in between songs? Surely he's now talking about your parents generation? He didn't hope he died before he got old, what he really meant was that he hoped he could build up a diverse investment portfolio and knock out a few shitty solo albums. Worse are some of the punks. Many have become the very thing that they were waging war against when they were young. People who claim they're just trying to get some of the money and acclaim they were due the first time round can fuck off too. Some times a band will be under appreciated in thir lifetime, SUCK IT UP! Going on stage 30 years too late and two stone too heavy is only going to make people wish that they could go back in time and kill you so they don't have to see you waddling, sweating and wheezing all over what made you special in the first place. If you were in it for the big bucks then why didn't you write pop songs in the first place? You dickheads.

4) The band has to write and record a new album before they can tour. The album will have to stand up to the scrutiny of the committee AND average 75% positive reviews. The tour set list must contain at least 50% new material. This will prevent bands trading on past glories and force them to compete with new and upcoming bands.

That's pretty much it. I know it sounds slightly extreme, but trust me. You're better off taking a chance on watching a new band than what is essentially one up from a tribute band. That way maybe in twenty or thirty years you'll be able to tell some youngster that you saw your lifetime's equivalent of The Velvet Underground (circa 1966) at some shitty dive when it mattered. They will think it's much cooler than if you saw the 1993 version that supported U2!

*I know that getting Bill Hicks on the committee would mean reanimating him, which obviously would be subject to the rules stipulated above, however, I am fairly confident he would pass.

Ps. I would also have never allowed Jimmy Page to come out the top of that London bus at the Olympics.