I Would Do Anything For Love (but i DEFINITELY won't do that, or that)

If anyone ever wants to tie me up in the bedroom, then I will say "NO WAY!". This is because at least fifty percent of all voluntary bedroom captivity ends in murder or theft (and I'm not just talking about the theft/death of your innocence). Every time this kinky practice is shown in film or TV, the person tied up almost always has something bad happen to them. I've never seen one of these situations end well. It can range from having your clothes stolen, to being stabbed in the shoulder with an ice pick, just like in Basic Instinct.
What I would suggest if someone wanted to tie me up, is that I would promise to hold on to the head board really tight. I might, after careful consideration, allow the use of a single layer of toilet roll to be used in the place of rope or handcuffs. This way should the other person try to rob, maim, or kill me, I would be able to free my hands straight away to defend myself and my belongings.
I told this to a friend the other day, and they asked if I would even let my wife (if I had one) tie me up. I'm afraid the answer would still be no. She may have grown disillusioned with the marriage and want to kill me to cash in on the lucrative life insurance policy she recently insisted I took out. This is obviously the worst case scenario, to lose both my life and my belongings in one fell swoop to my duplicitous spouse!
I suggest you heed my warning. Don't let yourself become a willing lamb to a very sexy slaughter!

How I will become Oxford's strongest man.

I am in a contest with some friends to see who can get the closest to the physique of Christian Bale in Batman Begins. The time limit is nine months. It will be me, Andrew (Mears) and Seb with Matty Lewis as the control specimen. The other competitors seem to think the contest is called "Batmanathon" but it is a shitty name so I refuse to recognise it. The REAL name of the contest is "Muscle Pregnancy". I reckon someone should get pregnant right now so we can have a good way of comparing our muscles to a pregnancy. I doubt this will happen so I may try and find a famous person who has recently declared herself pregnant and follow them via the saturation coverage in the tabloid press. I think I saw that most of the Spice Girls are expected to declare pregnancy soon.

On Friday we took the first measurements and contested the first feats of strength. I have the biggest calves. This puts me in a very strong position and I fully expect my amazing calves to fire me to victory.

If I win Andrew has to hand over control of his girlfriend, V, to me. She probably won't mind, I'll be incredibly strong and muscle bound and Andrew will be weak and puny. Plus I'll be able to use my new strength to open jars for her and ward of any potential suitors. I will also go to a beach where Andrew is and kick sand in his face to further humiliate him.

I WILL WIN THIS CONTEST. FACT. TOTAL FACT.

Dead Tasty.

All those women in the Philadelphia adverts are DEAD! All cut down seemingly in the prime of their lives. They probably died from eating exclusively low fat soft cheese, crackers and celery (maybe it's a bit like rabbit starvation http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rabbit_starvation). Philadelphia should make an alternate advert showing the grieving families of these unfortunate women, only showing them eating a rival low fat soft cheese at their loved one's wake. The alternate advert would have a two pronged effect:
1. Consumers would rush out and buy Philadelphia believing it to be a surefire ticket to heaven.
2. Any rival soft cheese would be forever associated with the loss of a loved one.

Grief + Promise of Eternal Happiness x Low Fat Soft Cheese = BIG BUCKS!

You Have 10 New Massages

This has to be the most inappropriate name for ANY business, let alone a seedy massage parlour! If you're unfamiliar with the film then this is what it's about (WARNING! CONTAINS SPOILERS) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084707/ .What was Sophie thinking(the masseuse, not Meryl Streep)? The other two adverts are pretty awful/good too. All three were in the Oxford Times a few weeks ago.