C.Dificil

I was looking up c dificil because my friend Tim mentioned it would be a good band name, when I came across this ABSOLUTE PEARLER in the comments of a Mail On Sunday story about the same thing:
"My mother caught C Dificil and was told to "sit in it" when they were too lazy to give her a bedpan or commode - just think of all the bugs that left flying around the ward!".
FLYING BUGS! "SIT IN IT"! This really has all the things I love most about the Mail On Sunday readership and their zero tolerance approach to facts.

Two year anniversary (sort of).

Hello! Well who would've thought that two years on I'd still be writing in this blog every week? A lot of things have changed in the last two years. I have loved and lost (see posts about Mr Fingers, but don't ask me about it because it's still pretty raw) and developed several bad habits/phobias (see posts about scotch/driving). There's other stuff too but I just deleted it because it read back pretty dull.

What next? At the moment I've decided to get fit. I've been trying to eat well for about a year but I hardly ever exercise. Now I'm starting to exercise so pretty soon I'll be so ripped that my default greeting won't be a handshake, it'll be a bench press. That's right, I'm going to bench you.

The picture above sums up everything pretty succinctly.

HALLOWE'EN SPECIAL!!!!!!!

FUCK YEAH! It's a super scary Halloween special.

1. How to tell if stuff and buildings are haunted or unhaunted.

I have a few fail safe rules on how to work out if stuff and buildings are haunted. It's the main reason I've never seen a ghost even though I'm nearly 25.

• If someone is giving away something that is old but looks like it might be worth money, you can bet your own sanity that it's haunted to fuck! I was in London a couple of months ago and someone offered me an old school desk. "No thanks you bastard!" I said, "I got enough of my own problems without having to worry about the ghost of some victorian school boy telling me he's "So cold", I'll just lean on a book if I need to write anything!"


• If you ever get the chance to go into outer space you better not be scared of ghosts. Outer space is full to the TITS with space ghosts! Everyone knows about aliens or whatever, but what about all the animals they sent up before they could send people? They all died in outer space! If you think going up there will be all floaty and brilliant, think about this: how do you fancy getting bit off a outer space ghost dog? Fuck that!


• If you live in a old converted school house you better look at the first point I made. THEN MULTIPLY IT BY AT LEAST A MILLION!!!!!


• If you live above a butchers' shop, you need to do this simple equation: POINT 2 + POINT 3 X DEAD ANIMAL GHOSTS = HEARD OF ANGRY MURDERED COWS, PIGS ETC!!! GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE BEFORE YOU GET GHOST GRAZED INTO GHOST CUD!!!


• 2. There is no 2. It died and became a ghost. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Nb. Hey actual small kids, don't worry if any of these points apply to you. Ghosts aren't real they're just for laughs! Except outer space animal ghosts.

Now go and buy me a Nintendo Wii.

It IS nice up North!

You know when you visit somewhere and you have some preconceptions about what its going to be like, but you tell yourself "It won't really be like that!"? And most of the time it isn't. This weekend I paid my first visit to Manchester to visit my friend Laura. I spent some of the train journey thinking about how accurate my view of Manchester would be. Surely they won't just play music by The Smiths, Happy Mondays and Stone Roses will they? And they DEFINITELY won't flail around, stomping they're feet on the spot in a fit of ecstasy fuelled bad dance moves circa 1990 while they listen to it will they? "Of course they won't!" I thought to myself, "What a silly Southern sausage I am!". But hang on a minute, because that's exactly what I saw quite a lot of people doing at various stages of my visit. Don't get me wrong, I'm not down on Manchester at all, in fact I loved it there, I was just a bit surprised that's all. It was actually pretty nice to see a place where everybody was really proud of they're town, especially coming from snobby Oxford. It was a really friendly place full of interesting buildings and shops, and I quickly felt pretty relaxed walking about the different places Laura showed me. I got a really nice Melvins poster and on Sunday we went to Urbis which is a big glass building full of pictures and projects about making cities more interesting places to be eg. there were some pictures of a massive pillow fight they had in San Francisco (I think). AND THE WEATHER WAS NICE AND SUNNY!

Have you seen my (two faced) cat? Or "How I Learned how i learned to stop worrying and HATE cats (again).

A couple of weeks ago I told you all about my lovely cat, Mr Fingers, well I'm afraid to say that he is gone.

I have not seen him for ages. Not since the people next door moved away in fact. I'm beginning to think that he may have gone with them! I really thought that me and he, had a quite magical bond with each other but it turns out that he is a two faced little sneak!

I feel such a fool. People warned me about how cats often like to have two or more families because they are naturally treacherous, but i was so insistent that Mr Fingers was different.

Before anybody says about him maybe getting run over, let me assure you that it is a total impossibility, such was Mr Fingers' level of street savvy and all round hip to the beat attitude.

I will never trust another cat as long as I live. So help me God.

Telly Savalas.

Here are some good ideas for telly.

1. Neigh-Sayer: King of 70's disco soul, Leo Sayer, rides around on a Shire horse casting aspersions on things.
2. Best of Both Worlds: Dead drunk, dead footballer, George Best returns to host a light hearted look at the best bits of both the mortal realm, and the afterlife.
3. Bennett Likes Beckham: Old, gay, northern playwright, Alan Bennett, speaks for the first time about his unrequited love for David Beckham.
4. I'll Be The Judge of That!: Beavis and Butthead/King of The Hill creator, Mike Judge, travels the English countryside in search of country fetes. On finding a fete, Mike makes a beeline for the vegetable competition. Biding his time, Mike waits until the prize for best in show is announced, then he causes mass consternation with his trademark cry of, "I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT!".
5. Madsen's Square Garden: Hollywood tough guy, Michael Madsen (Reservoir Dogs, Free Willy 2), shows us around his beautiful square roof garden. In part two, Michael tells us how we can achieve such a garden for ourselves.
6. Dust In Hoffman: Oscar Winner, Philip Seymour Hoffman (Capote), suffers from an severe allergic reaction to household dust. In this programme we'll be taking an in depth look at what happens when there's dust in Hoffman.

me and mr fingers down by the school yard.

i got a cat recently. his name is mr fingers and i love him very much. we built a snowman together a few weeks ago. we called him snowy because he looked a bit like the dog from tin tin. we mostly go everywhere together, and i have just taught mr fingers to walk on his two hind legs, which he seems to like. let me tell you, we certainly get a few funny looks whilst we're trotting along down the street!
the other day we were doing a spot of weeding in the garden, and i spotted a mole hill. mr fingers, ever the more adventurous, tried to talk me into going into the mole tunnel to see what it was like.
after about an hour of negotiating, i agreed and we set off.
fuck me it was dark.

part ii

i thought of a much better version for jurassic park 2.
jeff goldblum and that blonde chick go back in time after they escaped from the park in the first film. except that she dumped sam neill to go out with goldblum.
sam neill, hell bent on revenge, also goes back in time but he has also found a way to control dinosaurs and use them to his own means.
goldblum: oi sammmmmm neillll!don't bovva! just because i had a bit of a flirt with your missus the otherday, there's no need to get a load of dinos on me is there?
nnnneeeeiiiiillll: well shows what you know gold-BUM! everyone who knows anything about dinos, knows that most of them thrive on a gang mentality or put more simply, the group dynamic.
old-bum: yeah well she's with me now, ain't she? so you better get used to it because we're pretty uninhibitted and will try anything twice. even pissing.
neeeeeeeeeeeeeil: DINOS ATTAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!
following his final commands, all the dinosaurs hover above cold bum and blondie like a swarm of killer bees, and then they start pecking them like chickens. (at this point it must be made clear that dinosaurs are really similar to birds, just like in the first film.

shit-ish rail.

"i recently went to newcastle on the train with my friend paul." that's what i should be starting this post with, but no, a million times no.
you see, because the railways seem to be run by twats dressed like dicks acting like wankers, we had to abandon that beautifully constructed yet deceptively simple plan.you know, getting on a train in oxford, and 4 hours later getting off in newcastle. instead, because we had booked "value saver tickets" online and had got the times a little bit wrong, we had to get a fucking bus to fucking london so we could get another fucking bus all the fucking way to fucking newcastle.
the reason for my earlier outburst against the people who run the railways really only applies to a small group of men, who on realizing that we had indeed missed our train, proceeded to rub it in as much as they could.
Train man: "No mate these tickets aren't valid anymore."
Me: "What?"
TM: "Well you see here on the ticket where it says VAL SV 328723762?"
Me: "Yep."
TM: "Well that means that you can only travel with this ticket at the stated time. Dave, come and explain to these lads why they can't travel with these tickets."(at this point another train man joins in and proceeds to tell us the exact same thing.)
Me: "Oh that's right i remember, we're meant to use the skills that are taught in schools from an early age, you know the ones paul, where they teach you to decipher British rail abbreviations and codes."
TM (becoming ever more smug and condescending): "If you want to get the next train it'll cost you £78 each."
Me: "Can't you make any exceptions?"
TM: "No, that'll be £78 each."
Me: "FUCK YOU! I WOULDN'T GIVE YOU THE FUCKING SATISFACTION! I'D RATHER CRAWL NAKED OVER SOILED BANDAGES FROM A PLASTIC SURGERY CLINIC ALL THE WAY TO NEWCASTLE THAN SEE THE SELF GRATIFYING LOOK ON YOUR CHARMLESS, TIME WASTING, JOBS WORTH, BEADY-EYED LITTLE FACE!"

In Newcastle.
when we finally got to newcastle it was really good!
they have this thing in one of their big department stores where in the build up to xmas you can queue up and meet jimmy nail! it was ace! i went on it twice.
also we went in this place for lunch and it was so lavish that i was all like "what is this place? some great lost palace of a long forgotten time, where kings longed for nothing and queens' faces were made of only the finest porcelain?" Then emma pointed out that it was a weatherspoons, so i had the "burger and a pint for £3.99 deal."

news?

hello fan!(i put fan incase there's only one person who reads this it'll make you feel special and if there's more than one of you it makes me sound modest.)
today is my first anniversary of having my blog.
my latest idea is that on tv all programmes should have a question mark after its title.that way when people are watching telly and can't decide what they want to watch,every time they suggest something it'll sound like they're asking someone if that's what they want to watch.worlds strongest man?richard and judy?working lunch?

image change

i am thinking about becoming a goth.

yee haw!!!!

whilst watching television,as is my want,i saw an advert for a credit card where to men go to america and doss about a bit.one of the men was cocky and reckoned he would be good at rodeo riding.it turns out that he was rubbish and crushed his teste,but it got me thinking about whether or not i would be really good at rodeo riding.i am happy to report that i think I WOULD BE REALLY REALLY EXCELLENT AT RODEO RIDING.it can't be that difficult,all it really involves is hanging on tight.its not like the horse/cow goes upside down or underwater.its legs can't reach you whilst you're on its back(have you ever seen an animal with hooves scratch its own back?).i really fail to see what all the fuss is about.the only thing that worries me slightly is that episode of neighbours a few years ago where drew was really really good at rodeo riding,but then one day he fell off and died.i reckon i'd be ok though.if a horse did manage to throw me,and thats a pretty big if,i would just get up straight away and grab it,put it on my back and run about like mad until it fell off and died like drew off NEEEEEIIIIGHbours,then i'd just jump over one of the fences into the crowd,run about like mad again for a bit,then i'd run off straight down a motorway like that horse that ran on a motorway and the police couldn't even catch it so they had to stop all the traffic!
GOLD SHOES UPDATE!
the other day when i was out wearing my gold shoes,someone came up to me and asked me if i was a pharaoh.

hay hay, wye wye!

in july i went on a canoe trip on the river wye with 8 of my friends.its fair to say that it was probably the best holiday i've ever been on!even after i built it up in my excitable little brain for what seemed like years,the seemingley inevitable anti-climax never actually happened.the first campsite we stayed in was my least favorite because it had a weird hillbilly community living there so it felt a bit too much like deliverence.luckily it seems my fears were unfounded as no bumming actually happened,although we did see a middle aged man stood with his hands on a young boys shoulders outside a caravan,when we walked past he said hello and proceeded to explain that he was simply using the boy to help himself balance as he was too drunk too stand alone.

childrens names

some of the time when i'm bored i like to think of names for children.for the purposes of this blog lets say that my surname is sneijder.
what about if i called one of my kids domestos sneijder (boy) or solero sneijder (girl).but then i thought about middle names.what about if you called a kid the same middle name as their first name?like tony tony sniejder or ian ian ian ian sneijder.it would be awesome!nintendo nintendo nintendo sega commadore sneijder.

world cup dream

a couple of months ago i had the most amazing dream.i thought i'd better record it fo' posterity.
in the dream i'm playing football for holland in the world cup final.this may not seem that exciting to those of you who don't follow football,but let me asure you that what follows will thrill you to your very marrow.
as far as i can remember, i've already scored a couple of goals for holland(this may come as a suprise to some of you as i don't have any dutch blood).after that all i can remember is running down the right wing pushing argentine starlet lionel messi along in a wheel chair with the ball in his lap,he had a broken leg.with one defender to beat i do a 360 degree spin around him.i should mention that the goal is actually a massive wheelchair ramp, complete with rail.to score the winning goal i throw poor lionel over an 8 foot rail into the goal.thus i become a dutch national hero and bask forever in my amazing cripple flinging abilities.




I have semi-deleted this because listening to people tell you about their dreams is really boring. I didn't realise that when I wrote this. It's why Inception is so crushingly dull.

why do you hate me,dvla?!!!!!

i failed my 4th driving test today.i'm so pissed off!the reason i'm pissed off is that i can drive like a god at all other times,but as soon as there is someone in a yellow safety jacket sat next to me,scrutinisysing my beautiful carmanship,i turn in to the worlds biggest retard.when i found out that i'd failed today,i wept.i wept bitter,salty,shame filled little resevoirs of shame,and salt.i'm still weeping right now.my fingers keep slipping off the keys because of all the tears.boo hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

FASTER TARKA!

this summer me and some of my friends are going on a canoooooooing holiday.i can't wait for life on the high seas (river wye)!if i don't automatically become admiral of the fleet when we start,i'll fight whoever is for control.i'm not sure if its going to be like deliverence or the river wild.i don't know which i would prefer,banjo duelling or the excitement of being held at gun point by armed fugitives.one things for sure nobody will fuck with my boat once they see my potato cannon that i'm going to build!if i get a bit tired i'm going to tie my canoe to some swans/otters so they can pull me along.actually i reckon it might be more like waterworld,except for the drinking your own piss,and having gils,and i don't think dennis hopper can come,and i can't be bothered to take a little orange tree,but apart from that i think it'll be pretty close.

POLICIA!

early on saturday morning i was stopped by the police for being a suspected animal rights activist.may i remind you that i HATE cats!

irony

i am right handed and right footed,but today i noticed that my penis points slightly to the left.how ironic is that?

HA!

HA!thats right it was a massive trick to make all of you put pets in little boats!now i can initiate my real plan which is,UNWANTED PET BATTLE SHIPS!!!!they don't stand a chance,not when i'm stood on the bank of a canal with an air rifle,a catapult,and a load of illegal fireworks!kittens schmittens!