shit-ish rail.

"i recently went to newcastle on the train with my friend paul." that's what i should be starting this post with, but no, a million times no.
you see, because the railways seem to be run by twats dressed like dicks acting like wankers, we had to abandon that beautifully constructed yet deceptively simple plan.you know, getting on a train in oxford, and 4 hours later getting off in newcastle. instead, because we had booked "value saver tickets" online and had got the times a little bit wrong, we had to get a fucking bus to fucking london so we could get another fucking bus all the fucking way to fucking newcastle.
the reason for my earlier outburst against the people who run the railways really only applies to a small group of men, who on realizing that we had indeed missed our train, proceeded to rub it in as much as they could.
Train man: "No mate these tickets aren't valid anymore."
Me: "What?"
TM: "Well you see here on the ticket where it says VAL SV 328723762?"
Me: "Yep."
TM: "Well that means that you can only travel with this ticket at the stated time. Dave, come and explain to these lads why they can't travel with these tickets."(at this point another train man joins in and proceeds to tell us the exact same thing.)
Me: "Oh that's right i remember, we're meant to use the skills that are taught in schools from an early age, you know the ones paul, where they teach you to decipher British rail abbreviations and codes."
TM (becoming ever more smug and condescending): "If you want to get the next train it'll cost you £78 each."
Me: "Can't you make any exceptions?"
TM: "No, that'll be £78 each."
Me: "FUCK YOU! I WOULDN'T GIVE YOU THE FUCKING SATISFACTION! I'D RATHER CRAWL NAKED OVER SOILED BANDAGES FROM A PLASTIC SURGERY CLINIC ALL THE WAY TO NEWCASTLE THAN SEE THE SELF GRATIFYING LOOK ON YOUR CHARMLESS, TIME WASTING, JOBS WORTH, BEADY-EYED LITTLE FACE!"

In Newcastle.
when we finally got to newcastle it was really good!
they have this thing in one of their big department stores where in the build up to xmas you can queue up and meet jimmy nail! it was ace! i went on it twice.
also we went in this place for lunch and it was so lavish that i was all like "what is this place? some great lost palace of a long forgotten time, where kings longed for nothing and queens' faces were made of only the finest porcelain?" Then emma pointed out that it was a weatherspoons, so i had the "burger and a pint for £3.99 deal."

news?

hello fan!(i put fan incase there's only one person who reads this it'll make you feel special and if there's more than one of you it makes me sound modest.)
today is my first anniversary of having my blog.
my latest idea is that on tv all programmes should have a question mark after its title.that way when people are watching telly and can't decide what they want to watch,every time they suggest something it'll sound like they're asking someone if that's what they want to watch.worlds strongest man?richard and judy?working lunch?

image change

i am thinking about becoming a goth.

yee haw!!!!

whilst watching television,as is my want,i saw an advert for a credit card where to men go to america and doss about a bit.one of the men was cocky and reckoned he would be good at rodeo riding.it turns out that he was rubbish and crushed his teste,but it got me thinking about whether or not i would be really good at rodeo riding.i am happy to report that i think I WOULD BE REALLY REALLY EXCELLENT AT RODEO RIDING.it can't be that difficult,all it really involves is hanging on tight.its not like the horse/cow goes upside down or underwater.its legs can't reach you whilst you're on its back(have you ever seen an animal with hooves scratch its own back?).i really fail to see what all the fuss is about.the only thing that worries me slightly is that episode of neighbours a few years ago where drew was really really good at rodeo riding,but then one day he fell off and died.i reckon i'd be ok though.if a horse did manage to throw me,and thats a pretty big if,i would just get up straight away and grab it,put it on my back and run about like mad until it fell off and died like drew off NEEEEEIIIIGHbours,then i'd just jump over one of the fences into the crowd,run about like mad again for a bit,then i'd run off straight down a motorway like that horse that ran on a motorway and the police couldn't even catch it so they had to stop all the traffic!
GOLD SHOES UPDATE!
the other day when i was out wearing my gold shoes,someone came up to me and asked me if i was a pharaoh.

hay hay, wye wye!

in july i went on a canoe trip on the river wye with 8 of my friends.its fair to say that it was probably the best holiday i've ever been on!even after i built it up in my excitable little brain for what seemed like years,the seemingley inevitable anti-climax never actually happened.the first campsite we stayed in was my least favorite because it had a weird hillbilly community living there so it felt a bit too much like deliverence.luckily it seems my fears were unfounded as no bumming actually happened,although we did see a middle aged man stood with his hands on a young boys shoulders outside a caravan,when we walked past he said hello and proceeded to explain that he was simply using the boy to help himself balance as he was too drunk too stand alone.

childrens names

some of the time when i'm bored i like to think of names for children.for the purposes of this blog lets say that my surname is sneijder.
what about if i called one of my kids domestos sneijder (boy) or solero sneijder (girl).but then i thought about middle names.what about if you called a kid the same middle name as their first name?like tony tony sniejder or ian ian ian ian sneijder.it would be awesome!nintendo nintendo nintendo sega commadore sneijder.

world cup dream

a couple of months ago i had the most amazing dream.i thought i'd better record it fo' posterity.
in the dream i'm playing football for holland in the world cup final.this may not seem that exciting to those of you who don't follow football,but let me asure you that what follows will thrill you to your very marrow.
as far as i can remember, i've already scored a couple of goals for holland(this may come as a suprise to some of you as i don't have any dutch blood).after that all i can remember is running down the right wing pushing argentine starlet lionel messi along in a wheel chair with the ball in his lap,he had a broken leg.with one defender to beat i do a 360 degree spin around him.i should mention that the goal is actually a massive wheelchair ramp, complete with rail.to score the winning goal i throw poor lionel over an 8 foot rail into the goal.thus i become a dutch national hero and bask forever in my amazing cripple flinging abilities.




I have semi-deleted this because listening to people tell you about their dreams is really boring. I didn't realise that when I wrote this. It's why Inception is so crushingly dull.

why do you hate me,dvla?!!!!!

i failed my 4th driving test today.i'm so pissed off!the reason i'm pissed off is that i can drive like a god at all other times,but as soon as there is someone in a yellow safety jacket sat next to me,scrutinisysing my beautiful carmanship,i turn in to the worlds biggest retard.when i found out that i'd failed today,i wept.i wept bitter,salty,shame filled little resevoirs of shame,and salt.i'm still weeping right now.my fingers keep slipping off the keys because of all the tears.boo hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

FASTER TARKA!

this summer me and some of my friends are going on a canoooooooing holiday.i can't wait for life on the high seas (river wye)!if i don't automatically become admiral of the fleet when we start,i'll fight whoever is for control.i'm not sure if its going to be like deliverence or the river wild.i don't know which i would prefer,banjo duelling or the excitement of being held at gun point by armed fugitives.one things for sure nobody will fuck with my boat once they see my potato cannon that i'm going to build!if i get a bit tired i'm going to tie my canoe to some swans/otters so they can pull me along.actually i reckon it might be more like waterworld,except for the drinking your own piss,and having gils,and i don't think dennis hopper can come,and i can't be bothered to take a little orange tree,but apart from that i think it'll be pretty close.

POLICIA!

early on saturday morning i was stopped by the police for being a suspected animal rights activist.may i remind you that i HATE cats!

irony

i am right handed and right footed,but today i noticed that my penis points slightly to the left.how ironic is that?

HA!

HA!thats right it was a massive trick to make all of you put pets in little boats!now i can initiate my real plan which is,UNWANTED PET BATTLE SHIPS!!!!they don't stand a chance,not when i'm stood on the bank of a canal with an air rifle,a catapult,and a load of illegal fireworks!kittens schmittens!

kittens

I haven't written in my blog for so long because I've been spending all my time coming up with this idea. Here it is.
You often hear sad stories about people tying up a load of unwanted kittens in a sack or bin liner and throwing them in to a canal. My idea is this,why not build them a little boat instead and fill it with a bit of food, then float it out on a river. That way the kittens might get found and taken in by a kindly fisherman or child playing pooh sticks. I call this idea "Furry Little Moses."
This idea could also work for other unwanted pets too. Imagine a parrot or cockatoo tied to the shoulder of a model pirate floating down a river, you could put bird seed in the brim of the pirates hat. At least they would be in their natural habitat for once.

(thanks to matt for the picture)

thats rubbin',and rubbin's racing!

i failed my first driving test today.guess what for,driving too cautiously!i cannot believe you can fail for this.surely its better to be extra careful than to be a reckless prick!fucking dvla.next time i do the test i'm going to drive like a total badass like mr T or tj hooker or knight rider or tom cruise in days of thunder.also i got told that my eyes and mouth remind someone i know of a young elvis.not costello,the other one.

stupid new year head cold bull-shit.

i almost didn't go out on new year because i started to feel really ill.i reckon that eating 36 tesco value chicken nuggets may have weakened my usually invinsible immune system.i only ate that many because i was in a contest.
by the way those shirts i got,have collars that iwould normally deem too big,so my war with the fashion industry rages on!

fucking stupid clothes

i been shopping for clothes today.i fucking hate clothes shopping.every time i see a shirt i think i like,as soon as i go and look closely, it has some ridiculous detail on it.for instance a studid emdroidery of a dragon,or seams that aren't finished,or some twat has been at it with a stanley knife, or its been flicked with paint or bleach!in the end i managed to find 2 shirts that i actually liked!i couldn't believe it!2!shove it up you're arse fashion industry!anyway,my xmas was pretty much what you'd expect.i followed the brightest star in the sky until it lead me to the birthplace of the messiah,then i watched the network premier of the 1st harry potter film.

list of enemies

i had the idea of writing a list of all my enemies.i started thinking about who would be on it,i even bought a brand new pen to write my hate filled register of hate.then something struck me,what if said list should get into the hands of said enemies!those more powerful than me(of which there are few) might be moved to take action against me to thwart my rise and rise.those weaker than me (of which there are many) might decide to form an alliance against me,a bit like a fucked up UN!this can not happen.if it did i think natural disasters would at least triple and most of the worlds major economies would go into recession.for these reasons i am taking my new pen back to the shop and keeping my list to myself.

the midas touch

i just wore my gold shoes out for the first time!when i walked in to the pub,a deathly silence crept through the whole room.i didn't know what was going on at first,but then i realised it was the shoes.the awe-struck throng awaited my words,"DAT RIGHT,DEY GOL'!AIN'T YOU SUCKAS EVA SEEN NO GOL' SHOES BEFO'?!anyway this is the last time i'm going to talk about them,for a while at least.

scotch cramps

.i just pounded a ton of fucking scotch.also emma better fucking like her present because i had to go to the christmas shoppers paradise that is cornmarket street to get it.this involved a lot of counting to ten so as i didn't fuck up a load of shit.it also made me super tired so i had to pound that ton of scotch that i previously mentioned.scotch is like my version of popeye and cans of spinach.i can't decide if i should sleep in the cram hole or walk back home,i think the next 10 mins will make the decision for me.remember,soon you'll all bow to me when i have my gold trainers.also if anyone has an interesting suggestion for a variation on the fish finger sandwich i'd be grateful to hear it.

gold shoes on way!

i am getting a pair of the gold trainers that i mentioned previously!i cannot wait,i think they might be the thing that makes my life complete.i also think they might give me a strange,unearthly power over suckas who just have normal shoes.i might also change my name to goldy feet,golden claw,or talon of gold.